Today is the first anniversary of my first miscarriage. Not that I need to remind myself of such traumatic events. I’ve got enough reminders around me all day everyday. We are still without children. But one year ago today everything started to go from bad to worse.
It amazes me how much has changed in one year. How in one year can I lose five babies? It would be incomprehensible if you told me this would be my life one year ago today.
Who was that woman? So carefree and naive. Before words like progesterone and HSG and thromboelastogram became dinner time conversation. Folic acid, I thought. Check! I’m good to go! Now I can barely narrow now to 15 daily supplements of various vitamins and minerals that might just tip the scales this time. I’m thoroughly willing to jab myself with blood thinners everyday, to stick oozy suppositories inside me, to watch my face swell up with steroid treatment and to swallow ghastly Chinese herbs twice a day, amongst many other things we just quite simply do without complaint if it could mean one thing: that we get to take a baby home.
It was completely unexpected. Yes, you always keep the dread of miscarriage in the back of your mind when you get pregnant for the first time. But you never expect it to actually happen.
I remember being wrapped up in the excitement of the London 2012 Olympics. What a great time to live in the city. I was elated that we were going to get to welcome a baby around our birthdays early the following year. But everything changed when I got those horrific cramps of foreboding.
And since that day I’ve wilted away into a shell of the person I once was. I’m no longer social, I find small talk tedious, I cry all the time. I can’t relate to anyone and I have no other priorities besides finding the cause of my losses so it doesn’t happen again. I have probably seen 12 doctors by now, none of which have been able to fix me. Now it feels like I am just existing.
And now we wait. We wait and see. Again. Because there’s nothing else we can do. What will this next year will bring I wonder. The million dollar question.