Coping this week

Man this week has been tough. It’s been only six days since my colleague and close friend has announced she’s been “given” my pregnancy. Yep, transplanted directly from my womb into hers.

I say that. It’s not actually true but it might as well be. That’s how it feels.

Every minute of my work day is torture. She is a living breathing reminder of everything I have lost.

I sit next to her. This sucks.

I’m resentful. I’m hurt. I’m fed up. Why does someone who doesn’t even want a kid get one without even trying? Because that’s life’s cruel joke on me.

I say screw her and her giant coffee she’s drinking all blasé! When was the last time I could drink a coffee without being paranoid it would spontaneously eject the fetus inside me? Must be at least a million years ago.

Now I sit and await the joyous announcement to our office and my best mates. That announcement will condemn me as the token infertile, the failure, the miserable one, the elephant in the room.

But I have taken the first step towards fulfilling my promise to myself. My promise of self preservation. To be out of there as soon as possible. I am on the job hunt. My CV is in circulation. I’ve been in touch with two recruiters. I have extended my holiday so I don’t have to be there when she tells everyone.

Seems extreme I know. But it’s the least terrible solution I can come up with.

And suddenly the promise of a new and anonymous future looks bright. It’s a change a bit quicker than expected, yes. But a good change.

I think.

T minus 39 days.

6 thoughts on “Coping this week

  1. I think if I were in this position I would be doing exactly the same. Self Preservation – I think I need to adopt this promise for myself too. Good luck with the job hunt. As they say, ‘a change is as good as a break’…or something… you get what I mean!

  2. I know how you feel. My assistant is newly pregnant. When I do the math I figure she conceived right around the time i miscarried – probably within days of it. I was so careful about what i ate when I was pregnant and I watch her eat all this terrible processed crap. She’s having a baby and I’m not.

    She told my male bosses on Monday. Both of them know my sad story and so instantly they assume it is going to turn into a cat fight/jealously/female thing. It won’t. Her pregnancy has no bearing on my failed pregnancy or future attempts.

    When I first found out it was really hard. I cried a lot. I was angry and bitter. I will say that it has been a month since i found out and I am in a much better place about it now. I am actually able to be happy for her. I still have my moments where I want to break down and cry and I think “why not me??” but they have become fewer and farther between.

    • You are so brave. I’m so annoyed with myself for not being able to be that strong. But I’m trying to practice being nice to myself and if I can’t cope I won’t force myself to. I hope it gets easier and easier for you, hang in there. Xo

  3. It is not extreme at all to protect yourself. Only when you are in this situation do you actually understand it. I recently quit my job after 7 years because I was surrounded by children (I was a teacher) and I couldn’t stand working around women who got pregnant when they drank the water (and they would go on to have perfect pregnancies). I don’t even have a back-up plan. I have no idea what I’m going to do. I just quit. It’s so tough, but you have to protect yourself.

    • Good for you. I wish I could just quit and walk away. I would do it tomorrow if I could. Thanks for affirming my feelings, it’s nice to feel I’m not alone or losing my mind xo

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