The only thing my husband and I have problems discussing is how my negativity and anxiety directly contributes to our inability to have a child. He feels it does. I know he’s right and I can do nothing about it. It’s clear I’m doing nothing intentional to sabotage our chances. But we also both know that although I’m doing everything I can physically, I’m doing nothing psychologically to help things.

I don’t know how to fix this. I can’t feel any less horrified and tormented when we lose a baby each time and he would never ask me to. The grief and sadness takes its toll. I can’t feel confident we will end up with a child in the future either. We have lost five babies, four of which the cause is unknown. I am terrified.

And although he’s convinced it will work next time, if it doesn’t where does that leave us? How many do we have to lose before it’s enough? He says we will never know unless we try. But the risks and consequences of trying are so overwhelming and debilitating that I don’t want to try. How could I survive another loss?

He has no concerns about trying again. His positivity is astounding. But what he can’t handle is how these losses and the constant set-backs are destroying me.

The hopes for our most recent pregnancy were destroyed by a random chromosomal abnormality that had nothing to do with our RPL, our age, our health. How can I feel confident or positive trying again when nature throws us a curveball like that? Another obstacle in an already unfair playing field. The anticipation and dread is too horrific.

The options as I see it:

1) I protect myself from any future pain of losing another child by not trying to have one. Would the pain of never having a family destroy me? Probably. Would I actually believe it if I said we tried our best? No. Would I hate myself for not being strong enough to give it another go? Already do.

2) We can try again, from which there will be three resulting scenarios:
a) We lose another one. I recede into an even deeper pit of despair from which it is unclear I will ever return. And what? Try again after that? Not sure it’s possible.
b) We succeed with our sixth pregnancy. I can’t even contemplate the possibility. It hurts too much. My mind simply cannot not go there.
c) Neither of the above because we are unable to get pregnant again. Can’t even go there.

So where does that leave us? I’m not sure. Maybe I’m in no position now to try again. Maybe that will come back with time. I’ve obviously not lost hope completely yet since I’m still doing the supplements, the tests, the yoga. The physical me is going for it. Maybe the mental me will get back on the bus at the next stop, or the stop after that. Maybe I’ll step back into the driver’s seat. Until then we’re on autopilot. I guess that’s good enough for now.

9 thoughts on “Autopilot

  1. We have not suffered as many losses as you so I don’t know how it must feel to have been through this experience that many times but I know from my perspective that not trying would be just as painful as trying and failing. The physical pain of a miscarriage is nothing compared to the mental pain of not having a child. Either way its painful so for now we choose to go on trying as a small element of hope is better than none at all. As for how your mental state affects your chances, although the best scenario would be to be completely positive, I’m sure that all of the physical steps you are taking will go someway to counter balance the emotional drain you are feeling. Hopefully letting your feelings out through your blog and conversations with your husband will help to not internalise the negative energy. Pour out your negative emotions in any way you can and cling tightly to any positivity you find x

  2. I don’t personally think being negative can possibly hurt a pregnancy. It’s just my opinion, but like you said, you probably can’t control it, and you just end up feeling guilty about something you can’t control. Try not to be too hard on yourself :(. Is it hard for you to have your husband so sure it will work next time? Mine was like that at first and it drove me crazy, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to give up when he believed that, but I couldn’t get on the same page either. I know exactly what you mean by hating yourself for not being able to keep trying. You hear stories of people who have tried 8, 10, 15 (!) times, and I just think, how are they so much stronger than me to be able to do that?

    • It is hard sometimes that he’s so positive. I mean it’s great but sometimes I want him to validate my feelings rather than dismiss them. But I guess that’s his way of trying to help me out this. It is so freaking hard everyday to pick up the pieces. I honestly don’t know how many times I can do it. One day at a time I guess huh…

      • I know what you mean. I think they feel like they need to be strong for us or ‘fix’ things, but I’ve tried to explain to him that usually I’d rather him just say he understands and feels the same way. Its so much less lonely when I can see that he’s upset too.

  3. My heart goes out to you. It’s such a hard predicament, and it’s only something you personally can determine, where your limit is. I think you are smart to take a break and give yourself time to grieve. It’s so hard to rest in a ‘if it’s meant to be’ attitude…it’s crushing if it’s not. But I think, anything is possible. Hope is not lost. There’s still a chance. But that hope does takes its toll, long-term. It’s like ‘pick your poison.’

    Praying you find some peace and some answers. And don’t hate yourself over this. So not your fault…that guilt only compounds everything! You are doing a great job!

    Hugs and prayers!

    • Sometimes that’s all we need, just a little bit of fire. I’m tired of being the one with all the anger. He’s far too hippy dippy about all this shit. Love him for it too though 😉

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