Recurrently normal

One of the lead consultants at our recurrent miscarriage clinic said this to us during an appointment to discuss the outcome of our fifth loss:

“You think you’re special? You’re the only one you know going through this? Well I’m here to tell you that you’re not special. You are no more special than anyone else out there in that waiting room. There is nothing unique about your experiences.”

Phew, glad we cleared that up! It’s great to have it confirmed that no one actually cares about the specifics or individual nature of my five losses besides me.

“And you are here to ask why this is happening to you, what is so abnormal about you that this keeps happening? Why can’t you have a normal pregnancy? Well let me remind you that the sheer act of getting pregnant and carrying a baby to term is in fact actually ‘abnormal’ and the act of miscarriage is the ‘norm’. So don’t be upset if you miscarry multiple times, or be surprised. That’s actually how it’s supposed to work. Think of all the things that can go wrong! It’s a miracle babies are even born at all!”

Oh! I get it now! So the 20 year old from two doors down with the enormous baby bump and two little kids who smokes three packs a day and chugs a two litre bottle of cider in one sitting? She’s abnormal! And all those ladies with baby bumps I pass on the sidewalk everyday. Totally not normal. And all those kids in the park. Nope. And all my friends who are nursing or tending to their little ones. Definitely not. They’re all abnormal! What a relief!

Well now it’s all clear! I can see now how the possibility of never having a child is quite a realistic, normal outcome. Merely going along with nature’s way. I feel so much better now thanks!

Dickhead.

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19 thoughts on “Recurrently normal

  1. It is awful that you had to go through that and meet a consultant so unconnected to what you’re going through but your writing is brilliant I haven’t laughed that much in ages. I completely agree with your conclusion – utter dickhead!

  2. Wow! Dickhead is right. No doctor should start a conversation with “You think you’re special?” What a jerk.
    My RE gave me the whole “it’s amazing that pregnancy EVER goes smoothly with all that can go wrong.” Yeah, but somehow it works on the first try for all my friends.
    I guess you’re just too normal to have a successful pregnancy. Grrr… this gets me fired up! I hope you can choose not to see that doctor anymore.

    • Thankfully no. NHS. But believe it or not his service is actually available privately. Makes me think he’s got an alter ego for private patients that’s all warm and understanding. Wouldn’t surprise me in the least

  3. Oh my goodness, that is insanely insensitive! How cruel to make couples who are struggling to have a child feel like their problems are miniscule.
    I know how you feel about the ’20 year old two doors down’. I’ve known so many people who have had perfect pregnancies, despite ten cups of coffee a day, or smoking, drinking, whatever other vices should be given up in the name of children. SO frustrating!

    • It’s so infuriating. My pregnant colleague was drinking this enormous coffee the other day comprising about how it made her all jumpy. Imagine what’s going on internally I thought! Grrrr

    • Brutal attempt. Is that supposed to be reverse psychology? We left there horribly invalidated and very confused. It actually makes me laugh that there are professionals out there saying this stuff. It’s almost unbelievable!

  4. AWFUL. Awful, awful, awful man. We’ve had 6 losses in total and if that had been me I think we might have got into a full-blown physical fight. What a stupid, insensitive idiot. What goes around comes around. I hope you never have to see him again!!??

    • Never ever seeing him again. It’s crazy, this is the place we are supposed to go for answers. I can just picture him saying the same shit all day long to every couple who comes into that place. Unbelievable.

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