I never began this blog thinking that people would read it. It started as a way to get my thoughts down, an electronic easy to access journal. But more than that, to store them in cyber space as proof that these events took place and these feelings were felt. And that they meant something to me. And although I want to forget it all and make all the sadness go away I felt I needed a way to be able to reflect on how I am coping in this process. To see that I do in fact have some good days mixed in the with bad ones, when things don’t seem as heavy as they do 90% of the time.
I do have mixed feelings about this blog. It’s hard to write or reread my own posts. I relive the hurt and frustration all over again each time. But once written it feels good. Lighter. And since I’ve become a serial friend dumper this has been my selected method of communication. Although I’m not willing to make myself vulnerable to judgement in the outside world, I am more than happy to do it here.
But what I never wrapped my head around is that others would read this too. The gratitude and assurance I feel when I read from comments from you guys has made this process even more cathartic than I ever would have imagined. You have made me realise that although I know next to no one in my day to day life going through what I’m going through, there are a whole lot of you out there suffering silently too.
Reading the blogs written by you lovely people about the hardship you are enduring hurts too. Not only because I am a human being and seeing others enduring pain makes me sad, but because I can relate to your stories, I can understand your hurt and frustration and anger and anxiety. Your blogs make me cry, laugh, curse with you. Seeing the strength you ladies have, faced with your own difficult and unfair situation, has helped me find strength to endure it too. Or to at least try to. It’s not like we have a choice really is it? At least we can make it easier on ourselves by sticking together.
And while I find it heartbreaking that we are all part of this invisible community of loss and heartache, a community none of us elected to be in, I do feel connected to everyone out there. A bond that is more meaningful than some of my longest lasting friendships. Where emptiness is understood. That I can say anything to you guys and you might actually tolerate it. You might even understand it, or might even relate in some way. And there’s something encouraging and uplifting and liberating about that.
And even in this short time since I’ve started this blog I’m actually feeling a bit lighter. A bit less bogged down, one blog at a time.