Summer. Over.

It’s getting cold and the sun is gone and it’s CD1. I cannot believe how fast this summer has flown.

I spent the whole time more or less in tears with a permanent knot in my stomach.

Ever since 12 April, the beginning of our last BFP cycle, my life is a blur of progressive emotions: from excitement to anxiety to panic then grief. Just like that, 5 months gone.

It started out with the happiness of a new pregnancy and very quickly turned to anxiety as we discovered our baby’s growth wasn’t what it should be. Knowing in our hearts that something wasn’t right. July and August completely evaporated. After losing the sweet pea I really remember nothing at all. I know I was here, I can see the old posts, but I really can’t even recall much about that time. I guess grief is like that.

All my little pleasures in life ceased. No more tea with friends, no more photography, no more music, no more cooking, no more walks in the park. Just bed. Tears in bed. I still haven’t spoken to some friends, I have more or less shunned 99% of my social circle while I lick my wounds. And I don’t feel bad about it.

I can’t even really remember what else went on this summer. What other events or special occasions occurred? No idea. Oh yeah, the Duchess of freaking Cambridge fulfilled her womanly duties and gave birth to a monarch with ease and elegance. Biotch.

Maybe the change in season will allow me to regroup. To hunker down for the task at hand. Get my game face on. This is a challenge I’m dead set on winning. I feel like I can’t afford to lose.

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10 thoughts on “Summer. Over.

  1. I know how you feel! Was thinking the same myself these last couple of days. Duchess of flippin’ Cambridge hell! I was supposed to be due just a few weeks later… I avoided any images or mags about her progressing pregnancy but the birth practically sent me over the edge! It is unreal how fast this year has gone. It started happy but that lasted a couple of weeks before it turned for the worse – never imagined we would have gone through a second loss before the due date of the first. 2013 can do one.

    PS I admire your outlook for the changing seasons. I need to adopt that attitude. I am certain you will win the challenge. X

    • I know right? If I see another flipping photo of her and her perfect everything I will scream. It’s just salt in our wounds.
      My favourite phrase by far at this point is your 2013 can do one. Perfectly poignant! I just burst out in hysterical laughing on the bus and now everyone’s looking at me like I’m a freak. The statement is so so true.
      Thanks for your support hon, I am feeling confident for you and me both. We will get there in the end. We just will. Xx

  2. Hoping the change of season does give you a new direction. You’re so right about grief, it has a habit of robbing us of our memories. I was thinking while I was reading this.. Hmmm, what did I do since I lost my baby? The only thing I could think of was all my RE appointments, blood work, and of course the birth of the royal baby.

  3. It seems my summer was a mirror image of yours. I also have no recollection of the past few months.

    But fall has always been my favorite season, and the colder it gets outside, the more I find myself actually smiling, leaving the house, enjoying myself. I’m still avoiding most of my friends, of course, much like you, but here’s hoping fall is much better for all of us

  4. I can relate to this post so much. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I HATE that we are a part of this awful experience but I think it takes an especially special and strong kind of woman to keep on going even when you feel like your world has ended. Hopefully we will look back and be amazed at our own strength. I hope you get some good soon!

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