Reality bites

Holiday over. Summer over. Back to reality.

It’s been a tough week. I’m trying to find a new job. I’m quitting for many reasons but the main one is because one of my best friends and colleagues, the sweet pea thief, is expanding. In timing she’s due too close to what was my due date that all I see is what I’m missing. I should be 23w now but I’m not. I can no longer be around her. End of story.

I don’t like interviewing at the best of times. There are prospects but they aren’t super enticing. There isn’t much out there that’s interesting me. Is it because I’m in a bad place mentally and nothing is going to be good enough? Is it because I’m scared to leave a job while actively TTC? Is it because I don’t really want to leave a secure job that’s been so flexible for hospital, doctors and acupuncture appointments and would be great for returning to work after mat leave? Do I deep down feel like I’m taking the easy way out by quitting? Am I secretly hoping I’ll be pregnant soon so I won’t have to quit? Probably all of those things.

Change is scary right now. My life is in such limbo. This just adds to the confusion and insecurity that I already feel. I doubt my ability to make the right decision right now.

Given my current predicament, I’m faced with a dilemma:
1) take one of these job offers so I can be out of my current job as soon as possible
2) stay put until the right thing comes along and battle through it in the meantime
3) stay put and stay miserable for four more months.

I’ve been offered a position that doesn’t really excite me. I’m being pressured to decide by tomorrow and they aren’t even offering my baseline salary. There are other offers I think that will be coming through next week. But each day in my current office is hell. I can’t concentrate. I just stare at my screen hoping that she’ll leave the room. So I’m questioning whether to take the first job just to get out of there.

I’m hoping I won’t continue to be so unreasonable and that it will get easier. But I have enough reminders in life of my losses, I don’t need to stare it in the face everyday at work too. My new motto is screw everyone else and to be nicer to myself and sticking around to be tortured just simply isn’t very nice.

Having seen my therapist today she’s done up this crazy chart to enable me to give myself a break when it’s all feeling too much. Everything comes back to grief and loss.

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If I can give myself a break by seeing I’m still grieving things will feel less important. Lets just hope I can put it into practice. It didn’t make me feel any closer to a decision but I realise now that with any decision I’ll be ok.

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12 thoughts on “Reality bites

  1. I was wondering how everything was going with your job search and the ‘sweet pea thief.’ Whatever decision you make will be the right one, don’t feel bad for being selfish. We do what we have to.

  2. I think you’re right that whatever decision you make will be (can be) the right one. None of the decisions have to be permanent, if you chose a new job to get out of the current one you can always find something else later. I know exactly how you feel, it all feels so important and urgent in the moment, but whatever you chose you’ll be able to make it work out in the long run. Of course, I also hope you’re pregnant soon and some of these feelings can ease up.

  3. Whatever you decide, it will all fall into place. If you take the first job it’s your ticket out and frankly if I had to stare at that woman every day I would quit too. I just about manage seeing this heavily pregnant woman at the agency I freelance for sometimes and it’s not even a permanent job, so I am totally with you!
    I don’t think you should see it as running away. As you have said before, this is self preservation, and that is a very smart thing.
    As the other ladies have said, nothing is final. You can start at the new place soon and feel it out, if your instinct is to keep looking then that’s what you can do. You can look for something else without having to deal with your colleagues pregnancy every day, and the fact that this new job doesn’t excite or challenge you that much may be a blessing in disguise so you can try to focus on what you really want to go for.
    Flip side of that is, they might be a great company to work for with really nice people, and you can have a sense of starting over, afresh. No one will define you based on what you have been through, and you might feel a sense of lightness from that.
    I think you are right though, whatever you decide you will be OK and it will all fall into place.
    Xx

    • Wow such amazing insight I hadn’t considered. It is so encouraging to hear your thoughts on this, they are such good points. I already feel much better. Thanks for making me feel like I’m not alone in this. I feel so fortunate to have such great advice from you ladies. Thank you! Xx

  4. I feel for you in this struggle. Every day I pass ‘the coworker’ in the hall with her HUGE belly (she’s short, so she looks insanely pregnant) I compare myself to her, even if I haven’t been previously thinking about my loss. Even on good days, a little sliver of solemnity falls in when we cross paths. Luckily, for me, the light at the end of the tunnel is that she is moving away when she starts her leave. I won’t have to watch her come back to work, bump into her at the store (small town) holding a lovely little bundle of baby while I hold a pineapple or some dang thing. So, I get to breathe a sigh of relief that she will be gone, and after the sting of the inevitable email or announcement that she’s had her baby, I can escape her and hold onto my job.
    That being said, I have often wondered if I could continue to see her day in and day out knowing she’ll be going home to a baby, just like the one I should have at just the same age. As it stands now, I have trouble making eye contact even still, but I do face her and talk to her from time to time.
    But it still stings.
    I can completely understand wanting to be free of a pain like that, and I think you are perfectly justified in doing a little soul searching and finding out where it is you want to be, even if it takes a little while.
    I hope you find that groove soon enough.

    • Thanks so much for your note. Sorry you know what it feels like, it’s so tough isn’t it. Thanks for making me feel like these feelings are justified too, much appreciated. xx

  5. Good luck, Lisette. So hard to make decisions and feel good about anything with this constant song swirling around in the background. Take your time and see how things unfold. I think your gut instinct will lead you in the right direction. It’s a tough emotional spot, and your well-being needs to come first! Hugs, friend.

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