Holiday over. Summer over. Back to reality.
It’s been a tough week. I’m trying to find a new job. I’m quitting for many reasons but the main one is because one of my best friends and colleagues, the sweet pea thief, is expanding. In timing she’s due too close to what was my due date that all I see is what I’m missing. I should be 23w now but I’m not. I can no longer be around her. End of story.
I don’t like interviewing at the best of times. There are prospects but they aren’t super enticing. There isn’t much out there that’s interesting me. Is it because I’m in a bad place mentally and nothing is going to be good enough? Is it because I’m scared to leave a job while actively TTC? Is it because I don’t really want to leave a secure job that’s been so flexible for hospital, doctors and acupuncture appointments and would be great for returning to work after mat leave? Do I deep down feel like I’m taking the easy way out by quitting? Am I secretly hoping I’ll be pregnant soon so I won’t have to quit? Probably all of those things.
Change is scary right now. My life is in such limbo. This just adds to the confusion and insecurity that I already feel. I doubt my ability to make the right decision right now.
Given my current predicament, I’m faced with a dilemma:
1) take one of these job offers so I can be out of my current job as soon as possible
2) stay put until the right thing comes along and battle through it in the meantime
3) stay put and stay miserable for four more months.
I’ve been offered a position that doesn’t really excite me. I’m being pressured to decide by tomorrow and they aren’t even offering my baseline salary. There are other offers I think that will be coming through next week. But each day in my current office is hell. I can’t concentrate. I just stare at my screen hoping that she’ll leave the room. So I’m questioning whether to take the first job just to get out of there.
I’m hoping I won’t continue to be so unreasonable and that it will get easier. But I have enough reminders in life of my losses, I don’t need to stare it in the face everyday at work too. My new motto is screw everyone else and to be nicer to myself and sticking around to be tortured just simply isn’t very nice.
Having seen my therapist today she’s done up this crazy chart to enable me to give myself a break when it’s all feeling too much. Everything comes back to grief and loss.
If I can give myself a break by seeing I’m still grieving things will feel less important. Lets just hope I can put it into practice. It didn’t make me feel any closer to a decision but I realise now that with any decision I’ll be ok.