Rough day

One day. One day of feeling good about something and the next day I’m back in the hole. I fucking hate infertility.

Yesterday was such a good day. I quit my job, I was feeling confident about the change. Still am. I got lots of encouraging messages from you ladies supporting me on this positive step, I felt great. I woke up feeling lighter and hopeful for the future.

I even made plans to see a friend, R, whom I haven’t seen since before my last miscarriage. I haven’t seen her for that long because she is not the kind of person I can speak to about our losses and infertility. She is the person who once told me to “pretend the babies weren’t real. Pretend like they never happened.” You get where I’m coming from.

But today, in light of recent change, I thought I could actually get together with R and not discuss TTC but just catch up like old times, talk about the new job. I mentioned this morning to the Husband that that I was seeing her tonight as I know he caught up with her man a few weeks ago. He called me later this afternoon to tell me that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to see her tonight. When I asked him why and he explained he has a hunch, based on his conversation with her other half, that they might be expecting and that she might drop the baby bomb on me.

Interesting. OK well there is only one way to find out. Me being me I cut to the chase. I am not going to allow myself to be blindsided in a one-on-one this evening so I texted her that I needed to know before I saw her if that was the case. It didn’t come out quite as I planned and I may have sounded a little mental but I got the message across that I couldn’t handle being put on the spot right now.

People seem to be making a habit of putting me on the spot with this kind of news, as if it’s easier that way, face to face. No no no! Give it to me in a text, an email, a letter. Some format so I don’t have to see your face or hear your voice and so I don’t have to run away with tears in my eyes or so you don’t hear my sobs in the background. Some way so I never have to see you again. Give me impersonal. It’s the only way.

Well turns out the Husband was right. I know you know that feeling. The drop of the stomach muscles,the nausea, the throat constricting, the welling up of eyes, the lack of concentration, the complete feeling that life is passing you by.

She confirmed it to me by text thankfully. This is the same friend who confided in me her fear that she might never get pregnant because of her erratic periods. They have been trying for two months. Two bloody months.

I learned after a very confusing text exchange that actually my husband has known since his chat with her man. That he has been keeping it from me thinking this would be adding insult to injury after learning of my SIL’s pregnancy and the AMH bomb. That he was trying to protect me from additional pain. They told him so he could tell me when he thought I was ready. Nice thought. Except he didn’t. Except I wasn’t ready. Except I found out from her. Except it backfired in his face. In my face.

What makes this so hard is that we had explicitly agreed with the Husband that under no circumstances will he ever keep this kind of news from me. Not ever. I need to know immediately what he knows. I will not be kept in the dark. It’s not fair. Everyone tip-toeing around me, like they could blow me over with a single breath. Everyone in the know but me. No. I would rather hear it from him yes, but he should have told me straight away. He promised me.

And now I am crushed. I am hurt. I am furious. He explains that it was all for my protection but screw that. This is not protecting me. This is ostracising me even more than I ostracise myself. He has finally admitted that he needed a reprieve. A reprieve from me. From my tears. From my meltdowns. Instead, if he had told me when we learned of the other shit news, I probably would have laughed like a crazy person and been satisfied that at least the bad new happened in threes. And then I would have gotten over it. Because at the end of the day I don’t care really about R and her pregnancy. I can avoid her.

Yes it does bother me that everyone I seem to know in real life on this godforsaken planet is knocked up, to the point where I at least there isn’t anyone else to add to the list. Yes it does feel like they’ve all been invited to this perfect pregnancy party and I am the only one not invited. But I’ll just add R to the shelf of other retired knocked up friends.

What I do care about is being betrayed by the only person who is going through this terrible journey with me. Maybe I’m being too hard on him, maybe his emotions are allowed to screw shit up now and then. Mine certainly do. But come on. I was doing so well.

I hate that this has put a rift between us. I hate that we are in this position. I hate that we hide things from each other to prevent further pain. I hate that we are in pain.

I hate how infertility shakes you to your very core. How it pulls the rug out from under you when you least expect it. Unrelenting. Unforgiving. I hate feeling like this. Recklessness. I am so sick of it. I was doing so well. So much for that.

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45 thoughts on “Rough day

  1. Eek, my stomach dropped just reading this. I’m SO sorry Lisette. I too just found out about a friend’s pregnancy over text this weekend (not in quite as dramatic of a fashion as you did, however). It never, NEVER gets easier.

    Know that you’re not alone in the feeling betrayed by your husband department. They try so hard, but they’ll never understand, not comletely. I know it feels like a betrayal, but when I’m mad as hell at my J, I just take remind myself that, when it comes to infertility, they’re all idiots. They just don’t get it.

  2. Know this feeling too well. My hubby dropped the bomb on me that his cousin was expecting her second the day i was going out for my birthday with friends. Ruined my day totally!

  3. I am so sorry that things went south today after yesterday’s high. It totally sucks to have friends who can get pregnant so easily. I sometimes hate myself for hating other people who have “everything” in their lives. It’s such mixed emotions. I can understand your frustrations and hurt by your hubby as he didn’t do what you had expected him to do. This journey is so tough for both parties. I hope that after this low, you guys can talk about your expectations peacefully and bounce back to wherever you were before.

  4. “I was doing so well. So much for that,”—I have this feeling right now, for different reasons. But it’s the same awful rollercoaster. I’m sorry you’re suffering. I am bewildered by all of this.

    • Hun your pain and anguish is unimaginable. I’ve been there. This is nothing in comparison. The highs and lows of infertility take my breath away. It really never ends. I think of you all the time, and am holding your hand xxx

  5. 😦 You’re so right… “I hate how infertility shakes you to your very core. How it pulls the rug out from under you when you least expect it. Unrelenting. Unforgiving. I hate feeling like this. Recklessness. I am so sick of it.” I know how much it hurts to get the news of a friend’s pregnancy especially after they’ve only been trying for a little bit. I know that stomach dropping feeling all too well. You described it perfectly. Sorry about your husband… After my husband told me about his friend’s wife being pregnant he said, “I wish I wouldn’t have told you, you were having a good day.” I think that the men in our lives feel helpless, like there is nothing they can do (a man likes to fix things and they can’t fix this). Reading this, I could see that he was trying to protect you and let you heal. I think they just don’t know what to do. Hugs… 😦

  6. You’re so right about the “in person” thing. Everyone thinks that would be the nicest way to tell us because they know we’ll be upset…OF COURSE we’ll be upset, but it’s WAY better to get upset alone at home than at a dinner party, a coffee shop or restaurant. And WAY better then snooping to the person’s face who’s trying to share their “good news”. I’m so tired of avoiding people but it’s really the only thing that’s helping me to cope.

  7. Keep a bottle of liquor and a shot glass in every room of your home. No matter where you are when the news hits, you have some quick relief.

    Infertility causes alcoholism – it should definitely be covered under Obamacare 🙂

  8. I wish I could hug you right now. 🙂

    I am so sorry to hear what happened. I know how hard it is, like many if us do. You look at all the pregnant women (and unfortunately, sometimes they are just young girls) and just want to hit something. Really hard.

    There are no words that I can say to make it easier when people are dropping baby bombs all over the place. Just know that there are other people out there who feel your pain and wish you happiness. Maybe tomorrow won’t be as rough. That’s what I keep telling myself anyway.

      • No need to thank me. I am glad to have other ladies to talk to that know what infertility feels like. I’m not glad that we are going through this, but I am glad that we don’t sit in silence ashamed to share our experiences.

        I have a personal Twitter that I don’t even look at anymore because I feel like I have met better people in this community than I ever did before. We are sisters in grief, heartache, and hope.

        Miles away, a stranger reads your words and wishes you nothing but success and happiness.

  9. Ugh, I’m so sorry. I totally agree that for once in our lives, getting bad news by email is the way to go. Fuck that in-person shit! My friends from miscarriage support group and I all have a pact: that when one of us gets pregnant, we will email or text the others and not expect a response for a while. We even joke about breaking up with each other! That’s what miscarriage does to you. Infertility heightens all those feelings even more.

    It’s so hard for our husbands too. When I was leaving for London, my husband told me he’d miss me. I laughed and told him he’d be getting a break from me… bc I knew he would. Sometimes they need a break, sometimes they need to put themselves first… bc when my husband can attend to his needs first for a change, he is better able to support me. I know the rift will heal between you. Hold on to the good intention, love.

    And well done for quitting your job! I know that was a big scary step. So proud of you!

    • Thanks lovely, for all your support and for the Liebster award! I’m excited to get to it!

      I think it’s a good call to have that pact with your group mates. Why beat around the bush? We all know it’s going to go down that way right? Fair is fair.

      Thanks for the perspective on the situation with Hubs. You’re right, I know his heart is in the right place. I wish he didn’t have to make that call. I wish this shit didn’t effect me like it does. His favourite saying is: love conquers all. I’ll try to hang onto that.

      Exciting about the job huh? It took every ounce of strength but I’m feeling good about it. I can’t wait to be out if the old place now! xxx

  10. Oh no 😦 I’m so sorry. That is just awful and really hard with the Husband trying to do the right thing and getting it all wrong. There are SO MANY pregnant people around right now. I swear it’s like some kind of national problem. EVERY SINGLE DAY I leave the house and see heavily pregnant women out and about and I wonder how long it took them to conceive. Even my next door neighbour is pregnant (due any day, pregnant immediately after her wedding ). It’s impossible to avoid 😦
    And it does just make you feel so crap, I know.
    ((((hugs)))) and I hope today is a better day for you XXX

    • Thanks Rose. And you know what? Today was a better day. Better than yesterday anyway. I’ll get there eventually. So much up and down… Such is life with IF. Sucks ballz xx

  11. Pregnancy announcements are hard enough, you don’t need to feel betrayed on top of it all. I’m soooo sorry! I’ve had to friends announce their pregnancies with baby bumps. Great, thanks for the heads up.
    I feel your pain… Big hugs xoxox

  12. Oh Hun, IF fucking sux. I can totally relate to feeling the same way about pregnancy announcements. I’ve started avoiding lots of people coz I just can’t handle it anymore. Yesterday I checked out Facebook and saw a friend and her new baby. She got married after us. It’s just not fair. It’s so easy for some people. I don’t understand why so many of us have to endure this pain. It’s not fair. I’m sure you will sort things out with your man. My man tries to protect me too. It’s in their nature. It’s one thing they feel they have a little control over in this world of uncontrollable IF. Love and hugs to you. Xx

  13. I’m so sorry to hear about your roller-coaster days. I’m pleased that you were able to take the decision to quit your job and accept the new and exciting sounding role. Your husband was obviously trying to protect you (and himself) from the fallout of another friend’s pregnancy but I don’t think I understand why he didn’t just tell you when you raised going to meet her rather than leaving you to text her a difficult message which I’m sure you spent some time wondering how to compose when he could have just told you that he knew. Hopefully this experience will help him realise that the knowledge of another pregnancy is going to hurt whenever it is told and so it’s better to be open from the start rather than risking a divide forming between you two which I’m sure feels a lot worse than the pregnancy news.

    • You’re so right about all of it hun. It’s still a mystery to me. He gets it now thankfully and we’ve moved on from it. And he knows that next time he’s got to be straight with me! Hope your hols were great hun, looking forward to reading about it xx

  14. Well, this might be a shitty time to tell you this, but I’ve nominated you for a Sunshine Award. http://eliscorner.wordpress.com/2013/10/12/sunshine-award/ Only play along if you want. I’m so sorry you’re going through what you’re going through. I’m currently in the process of screening phone calls from a friend who called me right after I MC’d her wedding to tell me that p.s. they got pregnant a month beforehand and keep it on the dl for now because it was an accident and when do I want to go Zumba? I don’t want to see her again until her child is at least 10. I know I’ll have to get over it, but I’ll do that later. For what it’s worth though – you’re always so amazing and encouraging to me, and I’m thankful for you. And your stupid fertile friends all suck.

    • Thanks hun! That’s so funny cuz I am just about to nominate you for a Liebster award! I was working on it yesterday. I think there’s a lot of repetition in these things but still so nice to be thought of. It’s such a supportive environment, out here in Cyberland. You are a lovely, witty, caring human being. I, and so many others, will always be here to support you.
      I wouldn’t speak to your friend for at least 10 years either. Honestly, fertiles are freaking clueless! xx

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