Silver lining & moving forward

The other day I went in for what was meant to be my 7 week scan. They already knew I had lost this pregnancy but wanted to be sure everything has come out cleanly. It was emotional. The last time I was on that table we were told our 10w sweet pea’s heart stopped beating. I hate that place.

The good news out of a bad situation is that there’s nothing left inside. My womb was clean and tidy. And the bonus was finding out is my lining on CD12 after a miscarriage was 9mm. I don’t think I have ever had 9mm ever, or at least not while we’ve been aware of my lining being pretty thin. During our 5th pregnancy in the summer it was consistently around 7mm. Not ideal.

I never got the chance to get my lining checked in this last pregnancy but I’ve been on a mission to improve my lining regardless. Pomegranate juice, protein, acupuncture, Chinese herbs, and oh yeah, this cycle I started on viagra suppositories. I had only been on them a few days when I had the scan but something’s obviously working. Now’s the time to act on it.

Or is it? I can’t help but feel somewhat reckless trying again so soon after loss. Is it really a good idea? Am I trying to forget too quickly? Have I allowed enough time to heal? Will this have a backlash later? Am I dishonouring the loss by moving on too quickly? Am I in denial that this might never happen?

I don’t know where the guilt and hesitation is coming from. Maybe it’s my TCM who wants us to take a three month break. She wants us to build the body back up again. I do recognise the benefit of waiting on the body. I see how it can rebuild strength and stabilise hormones. I may be kidding myself but I don’t see the proof that my body is depleted from this loss. Previous ones? Definitely. But this time I feel good physically. My BBT chart is the most consistent and stable it’s been since I started charting years ago. My lining is good. I’ve sustained the preconception plan for months. And I am feeling better mentally than I have in a long long time. Although I am tired of all of this, I feel … strong.

We are definitely running the risk of repeating a pattern though, I see that. Our first four losses were literally back to back, I think it was our way of pushing past the pain. Just keep trying again and one will stick. It has to. I’m seeing some of that motivation in myself again now, but things are different. Back then I was confident we’d get there eventually, and as our positivity and hope gradually faded with loss after loss, devastation took its toll. That is when we took our much needed breaks.

Now, I have absolutely no idea what to expect. We could go through another six losses and still come out empty handed. I recognise that now and am gradually coming to accept it. So although I may be motivated by desperation, truthfully there’s a little bit of “what do I have to lose?” going on in there as well.

Wait or try again? There are benefits and disadvantages to both.

After some thorough discussion we decided to give this a chance, we committed to trying this cycle. I am still on the supplements and diet, the Clexane, the steroids, the Intralipids, the Valium. I’ve got follow up appointments with two clinics the coming weeks.

We both fully acknowledge this may very well lead to disappointment in more ways than one, but at least we feel like things are moving forward. I feel I need to act while motivations are up because who knows when I’ll feel this good again. So much of recurrent loss is about finding balance in the continuous cycle of highs and lows. Finding the strength to pick ourselves up again. Recovering when down, moving forward when up. Strike while the iron is hot I guess. I’m willing to accept the consequences.

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36 thoughts on “Silver lining & moving forward

  1. You’re absolutely right about this battle. You do need to take that motivation and go with it- it’s just so damn hard to move forward, but if you can feel like you’re doing something instead of sitting around depressed, you have to do it. That lining though is fabulous! No really. I’m impressed. I still think about you a lot. Hugs.

  2. So glad about your lining! Great news!!! Did you miscarry naturally? I didn’t have a sono after mine …but maybe they don’t do them after D&C? I love what you said about finding balance b/t the highs and the lows. That is the perfect way to describe it. I fee like we are just riding the waves and just need to do what we can, when we can. If it is someting, then we go for it. If it is nothing, then we sit it out. Clearly, I think we are all seeing that there is no formula for success in this, right? Almost like a crap shoot. But I love that things are looking good and I love that your motivation is up. I have wondered the things, esp. with my 1st miscarriage – too soon to try? Dishonoring my baby? Covering my feelings? Butt I don’t think there is a formula. So, I’ll be thinking of you as you go for it this month! I love your attitude. I am truly, truly pulling for you, friend. You’ve already bounced back so well. Amazingly strong. Hugs! xo

    • Thank you Kate! Do what we can, when we can. Great way to put it! I so agree. Who knows how long this will last. Got to seize the moment! Totally right, there’s no perfect formula. Trial and error as horrible as that sounds.
      I miscarried naturally this time. I didn’t get a scan after my last d&c either, I guess they are pretty sure they get it all that way.
      Always thinking of you, sending you love xx

  3. That’s awesome about your lining and temperature. I have heard that sometimes after a miscarriage that is when the chances of getting pregnant are higher. I’m not sure why that is..? II think you are doing the right thing by moving forward, especially if you have peace and the motivation! I came across this quote the other day and as I read your post it reminded me of you. It said, “Courage is going from failure to failure without ever losing enthusiasm.” ~Winston Churchill. You are a courageous woman for what you have gone through and never forget that!! Keep being persistent and persevere! I can’t wait to hear how this cycle is going to be for you because I’m praying and expecting great things for you.
    I wrote a blog post last week and in it I typed a testimony of a couple who had four miscarriages! ugh! But they kept trying and eventually had Frances Faith. Hugs to you!!

    http://waitingforbabybird.com/2013/12/05/im-not-ready-to-throw-in-the-towel/

  4. I don’t think you need a certain set amount of time to heal emotionally. I’m so impressed and happy to hear how strong you sound, it sounds like your prepared for another try. Hopefully with your lining and all the treatments the stars are finally aligning for you.

  5. I lost 3 well timed pregnancies and had given up any hope of ever being pregnant and staying that way. It was worse because I dont even get pregnant easily :(. My 4th was a month after my 3rd m/cand i got lucky. We did the RPL and everything was normal. Our dna tests showed some matches and I had lost all hope. What i am saying is all it takes is one good egg and who knows when it happens and what we might have to go through toget there. If you feel ready to move then go for it. Just get your iron levels checked since youve been through so much.

    • Great advice thank you. Just shows you we can’t predict the outcome of these things so if it feels right we just have to go for it. Your story gives me encouragement, thank you xx

  6. If you’ve got the motivation and you’re feeling good physically (which is great, btw!) I say go for it. There are never any guarantees in life but that we can try our hardest and see where it leads us. I am hoping so hard for you that this leads you to a place of joy and peace. Take care and good luck! 🌻

  7. I agree with all of the above. I would go with whatever feels right. Listen to your body and all of the signs. There are no guarantees but we cannot be fortune tellers either. Wishing you the very best~ work that lining, girl!

  8. I don’t want to upset you, I am just telling you what a psychic friend told me. She did a reading on me, telling me my “baby spirit” has come to me before and is waiting to come back. Meaning, my miscarried baby spirit will return in another pregnancy. At the time, I was upset by her even saying that, knowing probably its bullshit. But, sometimes it helps you to know that moving on is the right choice. It can even give you some comfort, however unrealistic it might se.

  9. I think there is no hard and fast rule as to when you should start trying again. They always say to wait, but it sounds like your body is already back on track and doing great. And If you feel ready, then trust yourself. I’ve waited the full 3 cycles every time, but I really don’t think it would have mattered emotionally if we had not waited. Looking back, I feel like we wasted time “recovering” when time is not on my side. We spent almost a year combined between all the losses waiting to try again. And just because you’re moving forward doesn’t mean you’re not honoring this recent loss or any of them. We know that’s impossible. I think your strength to keep going and fighting is so inspiring. You are so strong! You are constantly on my mind and in my prayers.

  10. Recurrent pregnancy loss….I’ve found it so difficult to know in my bones when it is “okay” to do what….With so many losses we’re just trying to do the best we can to have the best outcome possible, with no guidebook whatsoever, and with a lot of advice from well-meaning people/doctors who don’t have a guidebook either. We write the guidebook as we go along—we are the only authors of our experience. And I can hear in your voice that you already know what your next chapter is going to be. Go for it.

    p.s. As for the alternate path, waiting—-I’ve waited and spent time healing many times during the past three years, but I don’t think it would have mattered much if I hadn’t.

    • Thank lovely, really helps to hear your take on this. It’s so hard to know what to do but I think when we feel good we need to capitalise on that. We’ll see what tomorrow brings. Sending love xx

  11. Great news on your lining. Go for it if you feel like it! After all, we should do what we want and feel like, otherwise we really risk becoming guinea pigs or some sort of lab animal.. I love Elisa’s quote from W. Churchill! It’s perfect! I’ll be here thinking of you and rooting for you!xx

  12. My current pregnancy happened just over one month from my last miscarriage and it seems to be going really well. After 3 miscarriages this year I was not thrilled that it had happened in the month we had decided we were taking off, but it has turned out to be near perfect so far. I really hope with all hope that the good lining, the work you have done and your positive mental state are exactly what your Spirit Baby needs to take up lodgings. Good Luck with this month!

  13. Your resilience and strength never cease to amaze me. You are one of the strongest women I know. You can do anything. If you feel this confident about moving forward, then do not look back. You will never get the “What if?” out of your mind if you don’t. You are not dishonoring your losses by continuing your quest. You are honoring those losses by continuing to attempt success. Giving up is always going to end in forfeit…continuing to fight always leaves room to succeed.

    Wishing you the best. Xxxxxx

    • You are so kind. I wish I felt as you describe me. I feel weak, cowardly. But I do agree we need to act on it good feelings no matter how fleeting to prevent the what-if factor. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Thank you for being there and for rooting me on! Ot helps so much! Lots of love xxx

      • You are anything but weak. You have fought this battle with grace. Just because you have a few moments of doubt does not make you weak. It makes you human. I wish you could see yourself as I see you. Then you would know that you are amazing. Your will to overcome this is truly admirable. Love and hope to you. Xxxxx.

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