I tried so hard yesterday to be happy for DH. To pretend. It started out so well, with a good lie in, sunshine streaming into our bedroom, a long walk and gluten free French toast. But as the day wore on my happy mask did too.
I have made no secret that I have been dreading this holiday for weeks now. We cancelled Christmas at our house this year. No tree, no drinks with friends, no gifts, no cards, no family get togethers. Just DH and I watching cheesy comedies on the couch with the occasional walk and home cooked meal thrown in. Rest and recuperation is all I’m up for.
What I didn’t realise is that DH, who is truly into Christmas, had been secretly devising his fantasy menus for the holidays and getting all jolly sipping his vino as he whistles Christmas tunes in the kitchen. Then it hit me. I have cancelled Christmas on him.
I cancelled Christmas not him. He would have done all the usual things: cooked the meals, hung the tree decorations, had the friends over, travelled 5,000 miles back home to be with our families.
But I couldn’t do any of those things. I couldn’t. Everything about Christmas brings me pain. This should have been a time to celebrate with our children but it’s not because we lost them. We should be with our parents and siblings but we’re not because I literally can’t be in the same room as my pregnant SIL. I can no longer hide my sadness from my own family. I can’t see friends because I have dumped 99% of them since they’re all pregnant or celebrating their baby’s first Christmas. I can’t even look at a Christmas tree because it reminds me of my miscarriage this time last year. I cancelled our trip to good friends’ up north because I can no longer fake being a happy person.
And Christmas carries on without us. People are celebrating, drinking and being merry. Families are spending quality time together, laughing, smiling. Happiness. Lots of it. It’s everywhere.
Even you guys, you all amaze me with how well adjusted you all are. How you can drag yourself to family events, surrounded by pregnant women and small children. How you can pull yourselves together to be up for others when you’re feeling so down. I wish I knew how you do it, you are so strong.
In the end it was acts of unbelievable thoughtfulness and kindness from the odd friend or two I still keep in touch with that brought me to uncontrollable fits of sobbing. It was their thoughtful, poignant, overwhelming gifts. It was the calls from family, telling us of their plans and how sad they are to miss us. It was people asking why we made no plans. What do we say?
I’ve been off work for a total of about 40 hours and so far I’ve had two meltdowns. I feel responsible for putting this misery on DH. Because of me he isn’t seeing family or friends or anyone. Because I can’t cope. I wish I could cope. I wish this positive pregnancy test would dissolve my sadness, my anxiety, my terror. But it doesn’t. It won’t. These emotions are only now more intense, and the feeling of desperation is setting in.