Is it over yet?

Well I’m glad that’s over.

I tried so hard yesterday to be happy for DH. To pretend. It started out so well, with a good lie in, sunshine streaming into our bedroom, a long walk and gluten free French toast. But as the day wore on my happy mask did too.

I have made no secret that I have been dreading this holiday for weeks now. We cancelled Christmas at our house this year. No tree, no drinks with friends, no gifts, no cards, no family get togethers. Just DH and I watching cheesy comedies on the couch with the occasional walk and home cooked meal thrown in. Rest and recuperation is all I’m up for.

What I didn’t realise is that DH, who is truly into Christmas, had been secretly devising his fantasy menus for the holidays and getting all jolly sipping his vino as he whistles Christmas tunes in the kitchen. Then it hit me. I have cancelled Christmas on him.

I cancelled Christmas not him. He would have done all the usual things: cooked the meals, hung the tree decorations, had the friends over, travelled 5,000 miles back home to be with our families.

But I couldn’t do any of those things. I couldn’t. Everything about Christmas brings me pain. This should have been a time to celebrate with our children but it’s not because we lost them. We should be with our parents and siblings but we’re not because I literally can’t be in the same room as my pregnant SIL. I can no longer hide my sadness from my own family. I can’t see friends because I have dumped 99% of them since they’re all pregnant or celebrating their baby’s first Christmas. I can’t even look at a Christmas tree because it reminds me of my miscarriage this time last year. I cancelled our trip to good friends’ up north because I can no longer fake being a happy person.

And Christmas carries on without us. People are celebrating, drinking and being merry. Families are spending quality time together, laughing, smiling. Happiness. Lots of it. It’s everywhere.

Even you guys, you all amaze me with how well adjusted you all are. How you can drag yourself to family events, surrounded by pregnant women and small children. How you can pull yourselves together to be up for others when you’re feeling so down. I wish I knew how you do it, you are so strong.

In the end it was acts of unbelievable thoughtfulness and kindness from the odd friend or two I still keep in touch with that brought me to uncontrollable fits of sobbing. It was their thoughtful, poignant, overwhelming gifts. It was the calls from family, telling us of their plans and how sad they are to miss us. It was people asking why we made no plans. What do we say?

I’ve been off work for a total of about 40 hours and so far I’ve had two meltdowns. I feel responsible for putting this misery on DH. Because of me he isn’t seeing family or friends or anyone. Because I can’t cope. I wish I could cope. I wish this positive pregnancy test would dissolve my sadness, my anxiety, my terror. But it doesn’t. It won’t. These emotions are only now more intense, and the feeling of desperation is setting in.

36 thoughts on “Is it over yet?

  1. I think this is what makes Christmas really hard in our situation – we cannot celebrate and pretend to be happy (not sustainably anyway) but we also feel bad for retreating. Especially so if we feel our partner suffers from this.
    After resisting for weeks, we’ll go and see the pregnant cousins and small children on his side of the family today. I’m rather scared.
    Hugs to you. May the next year be much better.

  2. I’m so sorry dear lovely girl! It’s so frustrating when you do what sounds like is the best thing for you, rest and recuperation, but it ends up backfiring a little. You have to protect yourself in whatever ways feel right to you at the time and it’s of course not your fault that it is sad and takes something away from your DH—he’s doing it for you because he loves you, and there will be plenty of Christmases in the future during which you both can feel celebratory and participate again.

    Yesterday was hard for us, too, the melancholy never quite lifted, and we wound up going out for sushi, thinking that would be fun, but it really wasn’t. A lot of friends celebrating with their new children out there and there just isn’t all that much for me to talk about with them. I texted happy holidays to a bunch of family and friends and thought—Is this what it’s come down to? I *text* my loved ones on Christmas? I did talk to my mom a little on the phone, but that’s it. I was trying to ignore that Christmas was actually happening. Doesn’t really work…

    I hate it when readers play doctor on blogs, and I really hope you don’t find my suggestion out of line (eek, here goes)—but Zoloft has been a life-saver for me, and I just wonder if you might try to see a doctor who is on board with that idea (I know one dr laughed at your suggestion). Since I went on it I have heard of a ton of women who’ve gone on it during infertility and how helpful it has been for them. Studies show that the risks are extremely low, and the way it works is you use it during TTC and/or the first part of the first trimester at a very low dose, and then wean off of it gradually. I am still sad sometimes, but the sadness is more wistful, more melancholy, and doesn’t dip down to meltdown level—in fact, I don’t have the urge to cry anymore, which is a huge relief and allows me to get on with my day-to-day. And sometimes, crazily, I actually feel like my old self. Okay–enough. I just had to put that out there because I really understand how painful and disruptive those meltdowns are and how they can keep you stuck-feeling. I still feel stuck but am not in so much pain, and am getting more accomplished in a peaceful way in daily life. I am wishing you so much peace and light and love.

    • Thanks so much hun, you made me feel loads better. Things are lifting slightly but there’s an overriding anxiety that lingers still I suppose that’s not going to go away though.
      It’s funny you know, I went back to my GP a third time about Zolo and got laughed out of the office. Her view is “be happy! You’re pregnant!” This from a woman who thinks you can cure recurrent loss by just relaxing. Sigh. I suppose I might be looking for a new GP! I do think it would help too, so never worry about any suggestions like that.
      Hope you’re doing ok, going to pay your blog a visit to see how Xmas went. Was thinking of you lots, especially while watching Zoolander xx

  3. Big hugs! It is so hard. The hardest thing I had to deal with was a baptism after our first cycle failed and we were waiting to start out second. I cried to DH that it’s not fair that my 19yr cousin got pregnant and had a baby because she wanted something to love. Here we were, married, stable jobs, supportive family and we ached for a baby. I think the hardest thing for me to accept that was just because someone else got pregnant didn’t take away from our chances. This is your (albeit unfair and long) journey. I know that ours has made DH and I’s relationship stronger. We appreciate things that much more now. Try to stay positive, It WILL happen!

    • Thanks so much for your words hun, really means a lot. Your right, our relationship is stronger for it too. The things we go through huh?! Will do my best to stay positive, thanks for your support xx

  4. I’m so sorry. Even if your husband wanted to celebrate Christmas, it sounds like he wanted to do whatever he could to support you & make you feel better, so it’s great that he went along with your plans (or lack of plans). It IS a hard time of year. I love Christmas, and I don’t want to sound like a jerk, but I’m so happy to be 32 weeks pregnant. STILL, I find myself annoyed at other people’s casual pregnancy talk, loads of pictures of their babies, thoughtless comments, etc. I am so defensive about things now, and still hold a grudge against family/friends who were unsupportive during my losses. It makes for a less-than-pleasant holiday experience.
    I hope you have a much brighter 2014!

    • I’m so glad things are brighter for you, it helps me to feel hope that things might improve for me too. I’m sure we never forget our experiences and treatment during our days of IF and losses, I’m sure it stays with us forever, but I do hope it gets a little easier xx

  5. Oh hon. Don’t be so hard on yourself! The past year has been so hard, and you have a lot of hormones wreaking havoc with your body and mind right now. Sending you a big hug!

  6. Stupid app keeps eating my messages! Argh! I don’t think your DH would’ve cancelled if he didn’t want to. I bet he wants to be with you right now because it’s an important time. Fingers crossed – you will get to celebrate this pregnancy – it’s scary to hope I know. But I like to think next Christmas will make up for the lack of this Christmas when your family is complete. Keeping the faith for you x

  7. You’re totally entitled to do what you have to do. Try not to worry about it because that will defeat the point. Take care and I hope a ray of sunshine can find ou in this gloomy place xxx

  8. Even if you destroyed every aspect of Xmas that the Grinch himself would have been impressed by, you are both in this together. I hope Xmas 2014 is a happier time for you, love xoxo

  9. You can do whatever you need to. We also scaled back Christmas this year. No family or friends, and I told my husband that he could do a tree, but I wanted nothing to do with it. That I didn’t want anything to do with anything. I think honestly, that that wast he best choice you could have made.

    • I think you’re right. I see now I was not capable of anything else. Glad you were able to get through it by cutting things out, I guess we do what we have to to make it through. Thanks for your support xx

  10. I’m sorry your day was rough, mine definitely wasn’t celebratory either. I have to say though, I think you’re the strong one for standing up for what you need and choosing to stay home. I don’t go to family gatherings, etc., because I’m strong, I go because I’m too weak to deal with the social repercussions. I see being able to stand up for yourself and what you need as a very real strength.

    How are you doing with the pregnancy otherwise?? Can’t wait to hear updates, even though you probably won’t have a scan for a while still, right? Feeling sick at all? No bleeding (god I hope not)?? I’m still feeling very hopeful for you.

    • Oh hun, it is so tough this feeling of obligation, I know it so well. I applaud you for even attempting it, you ARE one of the strongest I know. I was thinking of you knowing you’d be suffering too. This holiday makes everything seem so much harder. So many hugs.
      I honestly don’t know what is up with this one. I have strong symptoms but never had morning sickness, even with the 10week loss. Had two what I can only describe as severe bursts of excruciating contractions lasting about 3-4 mins each. They were so painful that my gut tells me that nothing could have survived that. Not a drop of blood though but that might just be the progesterone. It’s like a freaking cork. I won’t know until the 8th for my first scan unless I go to the hospital, which I might do if I have another one. Until then I’m doing my best not to think about it as awful as that sounds. If I don’t acknowledge it, it will hurt less? Yeah right.
      What is the latest with you? You must be having another scan very soon? Please please fill me in. Sending you so much love xxx

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