2013 can do one

In the words of the lovely Coral Blooms, 2013 can do one. Man can it ever.

Unfortunately, like many of you I said something along those lines about 2012 and 2011 too.

2012 ended with three miscarriages. We were convinced then that there would be happier days ahead, and that 2013 would be a better year.

It’s hard to believe that I’m ending this year with another three more. And that the years seem to be getting progressively worse. Lonelier. Harder. Sadder.

But it was this year, after losing our fifth at 10 weeks, when I started blogging. I had already begun my self-imposed exile, removed myself from friendships, from family, from life really when I began to let it all out into cyberspace. I never expected to feel the emotional release or the overwhelming support, encouragement and love I get receive the the amazing community of loss and infertility. That’s really what’s kept me going this year. That and the support from my amazing husband and our overwhelming desire to keep trying until we’re successful.

I have no idea what Keep Trying 2014 looks like. If this pregnancy will succeed or fail. If we will be trying again with my eggs or try DEIVF or surrogacy or adoption. The countless possibilities take my breath away. But I can’t think about that.

Nor can I think about the excruciatingly debilitating cramps I’ve been getting, or my upcoming scan next week. Those are for another post. There is nothing I or anyone else can do about that right now.

I will try to focus on taking on step at a time, on being where I am right now. I will try to be hopeful no matter how scary that feels.

I hope that 2014 brings us all happier, brighter days. Thank you to you all for your incredible support xx

27 thoughts on “2013 can do one

  1. I agree – good riddance 2013! I am so sorry for your losses and wish you the best of luck this new year. I have been isolating myself from more and more friends as the year has progressed and have found comfort and support in starting my blog as well. You’re perseverance is inspiring. Thank you!

  2. So many tough parts to this journey. So wish there was something I could do to fix it. Don’t give up… Miracles still happen all the time. Truly praying yours will be soon, even with this one. Hugs and all the best for ’14! Xo

    • Thanks sweetie. It’s on Wednesday. To be honest I’m not very hopeful. These sessions of contractions have brought me to my knees in excruciating breathtaking agony. I don’t think much could survive that. We are considering a private scan on the weekend to preempt it so at least I can cry all weekend rather than having to go straight back to work. I’ll keep you posted. I’ve had a smile on my face for days now because of you and the bean 🙂 xx

  3. Oh hon, I am completely with you. I said the same thing about 2011, 2012, and 2013 too and they all sucked, but you’re absolutely right, I too started my blog in 2013, and meeting all of you had been such a gift. There are so many unknowns this New Year, but I just keep thinking it has to turn around eventually, and why not in 2014? We’re in it now so please, please let this be THE year!!! Praying so hard that this little one is okay and the cramps you’re feeling are just ligament pains. Crossing everything that can be crossed that you get good news at your scan next week. Big Hug ❤

  4. I also gave a big F you to 2011 and 2012. I refused to do it to 2013 as things can always get worse. I’ve learned that lesson and am hoping by being neutral to 2013 that 2014 will be better. No crystal ball unfortunately. Hugs and good thoughts!

  5. Hi there, hope you are feeling well. I misscarried for the 4th time this year, cannot get past 8 weeks. Although this time the poc was tested and came back as a trysomy 16, so no matter what I had done the pregnancy could not have survived. My consultant Ruth Cochrane at Lewisham arranged for us to have our chromosomes tested, all came back fine.

    Whilst in hospital I googled NK Cells and emailed 2 doctors at Epsom to ask for testing on the NHS. I have an underactive thyroid so know I have immunology issues. I was tested and do have high NK cells and they are v v aggressive.

    Ruth and doctors dont agree with the testing or treatment but I have nothing to lose. I am armed with progestogen, asprin and steroids to calm everything before we try and if all goes to plan then I will be under their care.

    I also did not know that a pregnancy needs upto 50% more thyroxine as soon as I fall. I feel closer than ever but know the feeling of not knowing of whether to believe, if we don’t do we jinx.

    I wish you lots of healing and guardian angels.

    May 2014 be the year we actually do it.xx

    • I’m so sorry to hear about your losses but pleased that they are getting somewhere with the answers. It’s so hard that we have to suffer loss in order to get answers. It sounds like we are on a similar treatment protocol : I’m on steroids, aspirin, progesterone, clexane this time and so far so good. I also was really adamant about preconception supplements and diet and treatment plan so I started all those drugs before falling pregnant. I hope this year is the one for us both. Hug xx

      • Good to hear all is still well. The doc I am under was in the papers yesterday re: Malaria tablets. I truly believe in our treatment, it has worked for so so many. Hope you are son able to relax and enjoy being pregnant. Xx

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