Silver lining & moving forward

The other day I went in for what was meant to be my 7 week scan. They already knew I had lost this pregnancy but wanted to be sure everything has come out cleanly. It was emotional. The last time I was on that table we were told our 10w sweet pea’s heart stopped beating. I hate that place.

The good news out of a bad situation is that there’s nothing left inside. My womb was clean and tidy. And the bonus was finding out is my lining on CD12 after a miscarriage was 9mm. I don’t think I have ever had 9mm ever, or at least not while we’ve been aware of my lining being pretty thin. During our 5th pregnancy in the summer it was consistently around 7mm. Not ideal.

I never got the chance to get my lining checked in this last pregnancy but I’ve been on a mission to improve my lining regardless. Pomegranate juice, protein, acupuncture, Chinese herbs, and oh yeah, this cycle I started on viagra suppositories. I had only been on them a few days when I had the scan but something’s obviously working. Now’s the time to act on it.

Or is it? I can’t help but feel somewhat reckless trying again so soon after loss. Is it really a good idea? Am I trying to forget too quickly? Have I allowed enough time to heal? Will this have a backlash later? Am I dishonouring the loss by moving on too quickly? Am I in denial that this might never happen?

I don’t know where the guilt and hesitation is coming from. Maybe it’s my TCM who wants us to take a three month break. She wants us to build the body back up again. I do recognise the benefit of waiting on the body. I see how it can rebuild strength and stabilise hormones. I may be kidding myself but I don’t see the proof that my body is depleted from this loss. Previous ones? Definitely. But this time I feel good physically. My BBT chart is the most consistent and stable it’s been since I started charting years ago. My lining is good. I’ve sustained the preconception plan for months. And I am feeling better mentally than I have in a long long time. Although I am tired of all of this, I feel … strong.

We are definitely running the risk of repeating a pattern though, I see that. Our first four losses were literally back to back, I think it was our way of pushing past the pain. Just keep trying again and one will stick. It has to. I’m seeing some of that motivation in myself again now, but things are different. Back then I was confident we’d get there eventually, and as our positivity and hope gradually faded with loss after loss, devastation took its toll. That is when we took our much needed breaks.

Now, I have absolutely no idea what to expect. We could go through another six losses and still come out empty handed. I recognise that now and am gradually coming to accept it. So although I may be motivated by desperation, truthfully there’s a little bit of “what do I have to lose?” going on in there as well.

Wait or try again? There are benefits and disadvantages to both.

After some thorough discussion we decided to give this a chance, we committed to trying this cycle. I am still on the supplements and diet, the Clexane, the steroids, the Intralipids, the Valium. I’ve got follow up appointments with two clinics the coming weeks.

We both fully acknowledge this may very well lead to disappointment in more ways than one, but at least we feel like things are moving forward. I feel I need to act while motivations are up because who knows when I’ll feel this good again. So much of recurrent loss is about finding balance in the continuous cycle of highs and lows. Finding the strength to pick ourselves up again. Recovering when down, moving forward when up. Strike while the iron is hot I guess. I’m willing to accept the consequences.

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