The Sighting of Number Seven

We opted for a private scan today ahead of our NHS appointment on Wednesday. The thinking was that neither of us could handle going back to work after the appointment if we got bad news. So we thought at least if we preempted it today then we’d be able to grieve wholeheartedly on the weekend. I’m glad we did. Our recurrent miscarriage clinic’s sonogram room just brings up too many bad memories.

The past two weeks have been hard. I’ve been avoiding this pregnancy since we found out. GK from My MMC Story called me on it: Keep quiet and the universe might not notice you.

She’s right, that’s EXACTLY how I feel. If I don’t talk about it maybe it’s not really happening. If it’s not happening then nothing can go wrong.

I have been hovering this weird in-between space. The numbness of anxiety and desperation, between hope and fear, between longing and dread. Speechless.

I tried so hard not to think these past few weeks, to put this pregnancy out of my mind as best I could. Tried to completely ignore it. Easier said than done. There were moments where I was able to do that during the holidays, to be mindful, to soak up the moment.

The best of those days was on Sunday when the Hubs and I walked along our local canals 6 miles all the way down to the Thames. The sun was shining and it was a beautiful crisp glorious day, with so few people out. We walked slowly, arm in arm, soaking up the rays, chatting, laughing, enjoying each other’s company so much. We got a perfect table in the perfect sunlight in a perfect little pub where we ate the perfect lunch. We both miss being close to large bodies of water, so being on the river was like going home. The day was so blissfully ideal it still takes my breath away. We didn’t talk or think about how freaked out we are once.

But many of those days were hard, scary, worrying. For days I’ve had an overwhelming feeling that this is over. I already started grieving. As horrible as that sounds, I’d already started giving up on this little sweet pea. I admit it is taking the easy way out. Self protection once again at its finest.

The other reason for anticipating the worst is that for over a week I’ve been suffering what I can only describe as debilitating excruciating uterine contractions. So severe they cause me to drop to the floor, writhe in pain, triggering the shakes, nausea and the immediate and complete evacuation of my bowels (totally TMI, apologies). They come in quickly and at night, lasting for five minutes, completely debilitating. It feels like a hand is ripping my uterus from the inside out.

No one knows what’s causing it. Some docs think it’s gastro related, which makes sense because of the end result (no pun intended) but it starts with horrific cramping in the womb, just like PMS but ten bajillion times worse. Others think it’s a new food intolerance developed since the BFP. I just can’t see how anything could survive that. The pain has shaken me to my very core, filling my eyes with tears. How can a precarious little embryo survive that storm?

Yet somehow against the odds at exactly 6 weeks today they were able to see everything is in the right place, measuring right on time. And then we saw it. A tiny quivering little pulsating heartbeat. Still so new, so early. There’s a tiny little heart beating in there guys. I cannot believe it.

Cue the sobs. Both of us, sobbing blubbering fools. Hugging, uncontrollable giggles, sighs of relief. The sonographer thought we were completely mad but she was still very nice. Don’t think they see many recurrent loss patients at this place.

And breathe.

One long deep breath to last me another two weeks as I continue to live my life in agonising two week intervals. Two weeks until The 8 Week Scan. So much can and has happened in that time but getting over this first hurdle has helped me to begin to focus. Maybe now in the meantime I can try to connect with this Sweet Pea #7 as scary as that sounds. DH has already nicknamed it Nacho (don’t ask). I learn so much about hope from him and you all every single day.

82 thoughts on “The Sighting of Number Seven

  1. What beautiful news, friend. Beautiful, beautiful news. You so, so deserve this, and I am praying for you with all of my heart. And for #7. Truly hoping and praying and wishing and believing that this will be an amazing gift to you and your husband this year. Huge hugs. Wish I was there to hug and cry with you in person. xo xo

  2. “We got a perfect table in the perfect sunlight in a perfect little pub where we ate the perfect lunch.” How lovely that you could enjoy each other’s company at such a perfect setting and now the baby has a perfect heartbeat. πŸ™‚ So so happy for you. πŸ™‚

  3. This is such great news! I am so thrilled for you. I understand staying quiet in the hopes that you can “fly under the radar” but here’s hoping that soon you will feel confident enough to sing your news from the rooftops. Wishing you all the best!!!

  4. oh girl this is so exciting!! I’m so happy for you! I’m believing that this will be an amazing pregnancy for you! I am praying this verse over sweet pea #7….”The Lord will keep you from all harm; he will watch over your life.” Psalm 121:7

  5. I’m whispering this very quietly so the universe won’t hear but this makes me more happy than you know. Come on little nacho/SP7 there are lots of people willing you along and your mummy and daddy have been through enough already and would very much like it if you’d stick around for the next 9ish months before coming out the meet the world.

    I hope that you are able to find an answer to the horrid cramps soon and the next 2 weeks go by quickly so you can get to your next scan and see the little heartbeat again X

  6. YAY! You had my heart racing and then I started to tear up when I read the good news – the “nacho” nickname was some much needed comic relief πŸ™‚ I’m praying for little number 7 and for you guys too. Love and hugs to you, Lisette!

  7. Oh yay, yay, yay! So absolutely thrilled to see this. Come on nacho! All my love and positive energy your way for continued growth and another wonderful 2 weeks until your next scan. Will be thinking of you often.

  8. OH MY GOD!!!!!!! Im so unbeleivably happy and releived!!! This could really be it! As always its much easier to be optimistic for someone else, so let me be optimistic for you adn vice versa and maybe (just maybe) number 7 will be both of our lucky numbers πŸ™‚ :). On the edge of my seat until the next scan :).

    • Crazy shit right? I’m still in shock. Sooo many hurdles ahead but hey, one down, three hundred million to go. I so know what you mean that it’s so much easier to be optimistic for others than for yourself. So thank you for having my back. Hoping and praying for lucky #7 for us both hun xxx

  9. I have to tell you I read this one my phone and my husband was rushing me out the door, so I’ve been thinking about you all night. I’ve read a lot of pregnancy updates being on this blog, but there are few that impact me the way that yours has. Before you think the worst, I want you to know that I actually cried tears of complete joy reading this. You need to have hope. I have such hope for you and this also gives me hope. You need to believe that this will work out and I know it’s so scary. I love that you saw a heartbeat- that’s when I cried actually. I know your pain and I can celebrate this joy with you. I am so happy for you and will continue to think about you and send lots of positive thoughts and prayers. Hugs friend. It’s a good day.

    • Sweetheart, again your note brings me to tears each time I read it. Thank you so much for being there, for living this with me, for the love. Your support is so overwhelmingly appreciated. I’m gaining hope now, and each day it’s getting stronger, thanks so much to friends like you. Hugest hugs xxx

  10. I had the extreme cramps, sweats, near passing out, collapsing with pain, bowel explosions… Turns out mine was ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome from egg collection, not sure if yours is the same. Pains continued but faded right down to about 8weeks preg.
    I’m so happy for u!!!!!!!!! Xxxx

    • Wow, that does sound so familiar but strangely I didn’t go through egg collection. It’s horrific though, I’m so sorry you had to go through that too. Glad to hear yours has ended. Thanks so much for the support xx

  11. A heartbeat at 6 weeks is a big milestone, I’m so happy to hear your news! Hang in there and don’t over-think it. You will be OK. Just make it to the next scan and don’t panic πŸ˜‰ XXX

  12. Oh, I’m so glad you saw a little heartbeat! That’s a very good sign this early on! Hoping for you always!!! This one seems different—the implantation time, and so on. That pain is so strange, but who knows, maybe it will go away and will just be what you call a mysterious pregnancy symptom in the end. Self protection can take a backseat now and hope take on over—although I know that is way easier said than done. Holding your hand. xoxoxox

  13. Lisette, I have not been blogging for very long but I sure have been infertile and following your struggles, your thoughtful writings and witnessing how much you do for others within this powerful virtual community for a long time now… I could barely sleep last night after reading your news. I felt so excited and hopeful, for you, but also for all of us. I often think of you as one of the most beloved bloggers among us infertiles for your faithful presence and unfaltering support to so many… I know for my part, it is a very unique happiness which I feel for you, and I just want you to feel supported through what ever may come!

    • Ok now that I’ve finished balling my eyes out from reading your beautiful note I can properly thank you. I can’t tell you how much it means to me to read this. You are so kind.
      This community is my family. I feel everyone’s pain and joy as if it were my own. This struggle is so impossibly hard, no one gets it but us. And it’s that understanding and compassion that drives me now. I need to be there for others as much as I need everyone to be there for me. That support has replaced my IRL friendships, relationships, therapists, it has brought me back to life. There’s nothing like it.
      So I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support and kindness, it means the world to me. Take care sweetie xxx

  14. Hi, there! I followed you over from My Life As A Case Study and have been reading up on some of your past blogs. You have a new follower! I am so sorry for your losses. I’ve only had one, and it nearly killed me emotionally. I cannot even begin to imagine the horror that you’ve had to go through. So happy to read your newest post and the about the miracle Sweet Pea that you’ve got growing within you. Such a beautiful, beautiful sight to see the sweet little heartbeat! I was drawn to your title because of the “sweet pea” in the title of your blog. I call my hubby Sweet Pea in my blog. That’s what his momma always called him as a kid. I wanted to introduce myself and give you a great big congrats!!

    • Thanks so much for your note, it means so much. I love that you use sweet pea for DH, it’s such a great term of endearment. I’m sorry for your loss, it’s so hard. Here for you xx

  15. Just ran into your blog and so glad I did! I am sending as much good energy your way as possible. Our 2013 also ended with 3 miscarriages. Words can’t describe what it does to you…but my thoughts are with you and I will be watching for positive updates!

  16. Hey! I know I already commented on this blog post, but you haven’t updated anything in 8 days and I just wanted to check on you and make sure you’re doing okay. I know how scary all of this is for you and I just wanted you to know that I think about you often. Hugs!

    • You are so sweet to ask my friend. Doing ok so far I think. Had another scan on Wednesday and everything was ok. Holding my breath until the 8w scan next Saturday. Trying to be mindful. Catching up on all the blog action I’ve missed all week too! Hope you’re doing well, just was reading one of your posts when you got in touch. Thinking of you always xx

  17. I am so happy I’m in tears for you and the Hubs. Congratulations. I am so hopeful for you and this little life inside you.

    I know so well that hiding place to avoid the hurt, fear, worry, sleeplessness – all of it. I am glad you are being brave for the moment and sharing your great news. I hope the scan next Saturday brings equally fantastic news and grounds for a little more bravado and a chance to be even more present with yourself and this pregnancy.

  18. We certainly do live our lives in increments of 2 weeks at a time. It’s been over a week since you posted this, I hope you’re still doing well! Only 4 more days till the next ultrasound?

    • Hey hun, thanks for checking in. Yep next US on Saturday. Terrified but trying to stay positive. My hubs must think I’m a total mental because I bounce between despair and contentment on like a 10 minute basis. Nutjob! Hopefully I’ll have something good to report on the weekend. Sending you loads of love xx

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