Hanging in

Thank you for all your amazing support in the last week. I say this all the time but your support is seriously the guiding light in my life. You and DH. Complete lifesavers.

We had our NHS scan on Wednesday last week, I was 6w4d. It was really freaking hard to go there. That clinic is hell on earth. It’s the early pregnancy unit for a recurrent miscarriage clinic. Yeah, imagine what it must be like to work there. Last time I had a scan there I was the fourth person in a string of no-more-heartbeats. Rarely is there ever good news in that place. Sobs echo in the waiting room on a regular basis as we all sit quietly freaking out, wondering if we’ll pull the short straw this time. The woman before me pulled it this time, it was awful.

I had convinced myself that I would too. I had convinced myself I had no more symptoms and that after four days Nacho’s heart must have stopped beating. I had totally psyched myself into expecting to be let down and even told DH not to be too positive. But in his typical way he tried his hardest to build me back up.

I couldn’t look at the screen. Too scared. Instead I was fixated on DH’s face who despite his usual zen-like facade was evidently very concerned as the sonographer struggled to find Nacho. We were pleasantly surprised though that he/she was in fact still there and was still measuring right on time. More sobs, hugs and high-fives. Something tells me that will never change. I hope it never does.

Since then I’ve been lingering in the inbetween. Melting down one minute, content the next. Because I don’t get morning sickness ever I freak out if I go ten minutes without any of my usual symptoms. That happens a lot. A downward spiral of doubt and despair until suddenly I’ll get a twinge to remind me that everything might actually unbelievably be ok in there for once.

I’m trying. I really am. I’m listening to my hypnotherapy tapes, meditating, going to therapy, acupuncture, resting. But it’s hard. It’s so hard to keep the faith. I’m so worn into the pattern of grief and loss that I find it so hard to let things be … positive. Things are never positive for me. How can this be going well?

Thankfully those horrid cramps have stopped. I was assured by the EPU that they were definitely obgyn related and not gastrointestinal. That it’s probably just my womb adjusting, relocating, making space. I hope they’re right.

Now we wait some more. On Saturday we’ve got The 8 Week Scan. I can feel my anxiety ramping up for it and I’m sure I’ll be the same as every other time: heart in my throat, talking myself into believing the worst. But I’ll try really hard not to. I’m trying really hard to remember this one is different.

65 thoughts on “Hanging in

  1. I know it’s hard to stay positive! I was in butter disbelief of the pregnancy until that 6 week scan and we saw our little beginning of a life with that thumping heart. Actually, I think it almost took until the 12 week ultrasound to actually believe there really was someone there, despite having AWFUL 24/7 sickness until I was 14 weeks. Now, at 17w1d I’m just starting to look forward to meeting this active baby, to discover her/his personality, to be amazed….

    After so many unsuccessful tries I know it’s hard to believe it and to enjoy it, and you know what, that’s ok. The chances of miscarrying after embryo is measuring on time and has a strong heartbeat is minimal, and there’s still at least a 98% chance is carrying to full term. That percentage just keeps going up each week.

    Hang in there! Hugs!

    • Thank you so much for your note, sharing your experience and putting everything into perspective! I so appreciate that! And thank you for that great statistic, for once a statistic that actually puts me at ease! Wow! Thanks sweetie! xx

  2. I’m just catching up on all your blog posts now while I’ve been overseas I’m so excited that you had good news!!! Actually “excited” is an understatement I’m much more than that. I wish so much that you continue to get good news you deserve it so much.

  3. SO glad to hear the scan went well. RPL means you can never relax into your pregnancy – if you can just accept that level of worry in the background, you will be OK. Like you I spent Every Single Minute analysing and worrying and fretting and certain that things were going wrong. If I ever got pregnant again I’d be exactly the same. Each scan was a terrifying waiting ordeal. The most comforting thing anyone ever told me was that there’s not much you can do to keep a bad pregnancy, and there’s not much you can do to get rid of a good one. *Hugs*

    • Such a poignant comment Rose, I love you for it. I am starting to accept the worry and be ok with it. Better than fighting it! And I love what you were told, I’m going to remind myself that everyday. Thank you loads xx

  4. I’m thrilled to hear it went well. I know for me it took until after my 12 week scan to start to feel better, and then when my morning sickness stopped I went into panic mode again. I have my 20 week scan tomorrow and it’s been a long 5 weeks since I last saw the doc. I don’t think we will ever really just settle down into the pregnancy, but I do hope that you have more moments of content than panic.

    Best of luck with everything! I am definitely rooting for you and Nacho!

  5. So glad that the scan went well. I still keep telling myself one minute at a time. It is very hard during the early days and I wont lie I mentally wished everything away for thr 1st trimester in fear. Hang in there friend, dont yo-yo on stress. Morning sickness doesnt kick in right away as written in most books and for some lucky few it never kicks in even when carrying twins. Do yourself a favour by keeping dr. Google away. One thing if i could tell you from experience is that the outcome is not in our control. So no matter what we do this baby has his or her own destiny and we are just silent spectators. So might as well relax and enjoy the ride no matter how scary.

  6. I’m really happy to hear that everything looks fine so far and I’m sure it will continue this way. I know it’s hard to be positive about these scans when before they never brought any good news. I know from my own experience, unfortunately. When I was pregnant (mc) the scan never seemed normal and no heartbeat was ever seen, but yet they made me keep coming in for scans until I was 10 weeks along and that’s an awful long time to try and stay positive. In the end I just wanted it to be out. It was awful. So, I can totally understand your anxiety. Try to stay with the good you’ve accomplished so far and try to suppress the negative. I know. Easier said than done! We are all routing for you! Go nacho 😉

  7. Hooray for passing another milestone! I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’m going to be nervous throughout this whole pregnancy, but I can still enjoy it, too. I hope you can start to enjoy yours.

  8. I’m so glad you keep getting good news! Sending lots of luck for Saturday’s scan to go just as well. The bigger baby gets, the stronger baby gets!
    Although I’m sure the worry won’t ever go away, the first trimester is definitely the hardest. At least it was for me. And you’re more than halfway through it. Stay busy & time will go faster!

    • Thank you so much! I’ve taken your advice and stayed busy and hardly thought about it. And here we are, it’s Saturday! I’ll keep you posted how it goes. Thanks for the support! xx

  9. I so completely hear you, with all of it. I think I’ve said the exact words ‘things are never positive for me, how can this be going well?’. Patience is almost impossible, I wish we could just skip from one scan to the next, and not have to live life in between. Maybe we can figure out some sort of pregnancy hibernation.

    SO SO glad things are going so well this far, and as usual I will continue to be super optimistic for you :).

  10. That must be so hard to sit in that waiting room and hear the despair of women going in before you, knowing how their hearts are aching and fearing for the life of your own child. I am so happy that you have gotten such wonderful news about your baby and I pray the scan on Saturday goes well. Thinking of you and rooting for you over in my corner of the world!! XO – Mel

  11. I am beyond happy for you! I know how hard it is to try and stay calm, but you’re doing a fantastic job. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

    I don’t know how you endure that clinic. Just reading your description of it makes me sick to my stomach. Walking in the door is an achievement unto itself.

  12. That waiting room sounds just awful, the level of pain and suffering in that place, my god. So thrilled that you had another good scan, I know it is so hard to believe but I will be here believing for you – come on little Nacho!

  13. Hurray for Nacho! Hurray for you and DH!

    I’m so hoping for you and looking forward to your next scan and good news. I so know the grief and doubt treadmill. I really want this to be your shining success story.

  14. I’m so, so sorry for the fact that, like many (most?) IFers, what should be a joyful, happy time is fraught with stress, worry and anxiety. I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like to even set foot into that clinic – I’d probably burst into tears the first time I heard someone else’s reaction to what could only be the worst news. Honestly, it’s my biggest fear as we continue to struggle with IF: the constant anxiety that, at first, is geared towards the fact that I’ve never gotten pregnant to date; and then thinking about all the fears, paranoia, worries etc that would basically make even a BFP turn into anguish until full (healthy) gestation and birth. I’m keeping you in my thoughts and keeping my fingers crossed that your little Nacho is a fighter like his mother. HUGS!!

    • I’m bit sure we’ll ever be free of that anxiety after all we’ve been through. I guess we learn to live with it and accept the good moments too. Thank you so much for your support hun, means more than you know. Hugs xx

      • If it makes you feel any better, I’m a terribly anxious person – especially never having gotten pregnant in my life, at my age. I struggle with this all the time, and I worry that any ARTs would be compromised by this. But I keep telling myself that we have to keep going because, really, what other choice is there? I really hope that you’ll be able to find some way to calm your nerves and enjoy what you so rightfully deserve to be deliriously happy about 🙂

  15. So happy to hear the u/s went well and you got to see your LO again. Even at 18w I still fear a miscarriage. We have endured so much to get to this point, it’s hard to just have faith it will all work out. But as a previous poster said, as the days and weeks go on, the odds really are in our favor. I hope Saturday gets here quickly so you can breath a sigh of relief when you see Nacho again!

    • Thank so much for helping to put me at ease and I appreciate so much your support. I understand how scared you must be feeling now too. I am so excited for you and I hope the anxiety begins to make way for joy soon. Huge hugs xx

  16. Magical news! This one is a little miracle and it’s meant to be! It’s hard not to be scared – I am all the time but in time you’ll be able to relax more as every day that goes by means he/she is getting stronger and stronger Xx

  17. “Nacho” is the cutest nickname I’ve heard yet. It makes me smile every time I read it. Nacho! I am so nervous about Saturday….but it is an excited kind of nervous. Trying to mellow out so I can send you more mellow vibes across space-time and ocean waves. Nacho, listen here: All these ladies are expecting to see you, do us a solid and let your heart chakra pulse and flash like a lightening bug. Okay? Okay. Enough said. xoxoxoxoxxxxooooo

    • I am so nervous about today too. I had to reread all these comments again this morning to get my strength up :/
      I feel like we’ve just had a good omen because Nacho Libre is playing on tv this afternoon. It’s got to be a sign right?! Guess we’ll find out in a few hours!
      Thank you as always sweet friend for your love and support xxxxxx

  18. I’m so glad you’re hanging in there and the scan looked good. I look forward to hearing about Saturday and the 8 week scan. I’m sure you’re finding it very hard to be optimistic but that’s ok. We’ll bring the optimism for you and as the weeks go by I’m sure your optimism will grow. High five to you, DH and Nacho (although I’m not sure he technically has hands yet??) xx

    • Thank you so much my lovely, it means the world to me. I love the image of Nacho high-fiving you with a webbed appendage. I hope he/she has stuck around to be seen today xx

  19. Just catching up now. So glad to hear the good news. So glad. I keep thinking about how you were in such a dark place only a few weeks ago and all seemed lost…and now this. Amazing. Beautiful. Praying for you, friend. Hard. All I can think of is, ‘You deserve this.’ And you really, really do. Hugs. xo

    • It is so weird how much things can change in a short time with infertility and loss. Such a rollercoaster of emotions. Thank you so much as always Kate for your endless support and optimism xxx

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