Homage to #5

I am finding this week harder than I thought I would. I’m facing a due date today I really thought would bring a real live baby. This week is when we were meant to meet Sweetpea #5, a little boy. I regret so much not naming or even nicknaming him. It is hard to refer to him as a nameless number.

The other due dates were freaking hard, don’t get me wrong. The first was a killer. But #5 was the one we thought would make it. The one that made it the furthest. The one that defied all our RPL issues. The one we invested so much in emotionally, physically, financially. This is the one that finally broke me.

I had envisaged feeling sad this week and needing to spend some time alone but I feel broken. No matter what exciting stuff is happening right now with Nacho I feel overwhelming grief and sadness too. Concurrent conflicting emotions.

I think the reason why this is so hard is because this week signifies the loss a baby boy but also so much more.

This was the loss that resulted in my diving off the deep end. I had just about managed to keep my shit together after the first four. Life was tough but I somehow found a way to get through my day like a normal functioning human being, not the zombie I am now. I was able continue to see friends, I held down a challenging job, I could function day to day although I was hurting a lot. I realise now I was in serious denial.

But as we lost him I lost myself. I fell off the virtual cliff of normality. I could no longer face life or pretend any longer. I couldn’t face anyone or anything. I stopped communicating. With everyone. I stopped going out, I could barely function at work, I was lucky if I got out of bed. It was the beginning of the self-inflicted loneliness that I live in now.

I keep thinking about our alternative life that could have been. The one where I would get to take home a baby this week. The one where I maintained my calm. Where all the sadness has ended. Where I continue to live my usual life. Where I meet up with my five mates all expecting in the next six weeks. The happy life. The life of balance and optimism. Why do I do this to myself?

So I guess today I’m grieving the loss of a little boy. I’m grieving the loss of the old me. My old life, my friends, my best friend. My naivety, my confidence, my energy, my lust for life. My belief in myself.

Did I tell you last weekend was the baby shower of The Sweet Pea Thief. Remember her? Yeah. She’s due in a couple weeks. I wasn’t invited to her shower and I’m ok with that. Ok it stung a little. I would have liked to have been invited so I could decline it but really I haven’t spoken with her in almost 6 months so why would I be invited. But the thought of her and all my old friends celebrating the arrival of her baby fills my heart with sadness. No one is here holding my hand as I cry alone about the loss of mine. No one remembers the ones we lose except us.

Sigh. That loss inspired this blog. Letting the heartache pour out into cyberspace has been more cathartic than I ever had imagined and I realise now that it had to happen that way or I would have imploded.

So in many ways I’m thankful for this experience. I’m thankful that I finally found a way to put myself first, to do what I need to do. To simplify my life. To connect with others enduring a similar hell. To remind myself that actually nothing else is that important.

But this particular loss has also made me acknowledge my complete and utter desperation for little Nacho. I can’t face another loss. Period. I bonded with #5. I spoke to him everyday, wrote letters to him, kept him warm. I believed so hard that our love was strong enough to keep him safe. But it wasn’t. Nothing was.

And now my fear of losing Nacho is overshadowing my ability to bond with him/her. I hope that if we get to surpass the point where we lost #5 that I’ll begin to breathe easier. I feel guilty dwelling on the past, on what was lost, and not focusing wholeheartedly on the future but I also feel like I haven’t fully grieved yet and I need to allow that to happen.

I hope Nacho isn’t upset with me. I hope one day to be able to explain to him/her why this week will probably be hard forever. I feel like Nacho already understands and is trying to make life extra easy for us by blasting ahead so courageously. It has helped already so much. I see how hope can be the lighthouse in the stormiest of waters.

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56 thoughts on “Homage to #5

  1. All I can say is I’m sending you all the love and light I possibly can to help you through. There are no other words. I wish I could give you a hug. We never forget them, we also never forget our old selves. Hugs

  2. Oh sweetheart, I’m sorry that you’re having a tough time right now–it’s totally understandable. Nacho is a wonderful gift, but what I’ve realized is that losing a baby leaves a hole in your heart–and a rainbow baby can soothe the pain but cannot mend the hole. I’m sure Nacho understands. XO

  3. So many hugs, friend. On different levels, we all get it. We are all holding on to hope with you. And Nacho will not forgive you because there is nothing to forgive. He will love you. End of story. xo

  4. You are totally and completely justified in feeling both happy for nacho and sad for your lost boy. It doesn’t make you any less appreciative of where you are now to recognize how unfair everything prior has been. In fact, to act like one (hopefully) successful pregnancy some how replaces all your lost ones would be doing an injustice to them. Don’t feel guilty, you have (hopefully) many months more with Nacho for all the happiness you can manage.

    • Thank you sweetie, I knew you would understand. Looking at it that way makes me feel so much better about things. It’s never going to be straightforward is it?! Hugs xx

  5. Sending you so much love right now. I can only imagine thinking that everything was finally ok just to have it fall out from under you. My due date with Noah is coming up in a month and a half and it is terrifying. I have 4 friends due that month, and I don’t even know what to do with them. Big hugs for you. I hope you can feel a little more relaxed after the next u/s.

    • Thank you hun. I’m so sorry you are approaching your due date. I wish I could offer you some comfort but I’ll be here to support you. It’s so hard, and is only compounded by the pregnancies of friends. I’m sure they’ll understand if you need to keep your distance. So many hugs xxx

  6. I’m sending you massive hugs for this terribly difficult time. Don’t feel bad about being sad, Nacho will totally get it, just like we do. It’s important to acknowledge what you’ve been through rather than pushing the feelings down inside. Nacho is inside so you want to keep the hope and love there. Let the anger and sadness out however you need to x

    • That’s a great way to look at it GK. I’ll continue to let it out like you say. Out with the heartache, in with the goodness. Thanks so much for that analogy. Hugs xx

  7. It sounds terrifying, being right around these milestones, the scary and the sad ones. I hope you can breathe easier soon (although admittedly I’m sure it’d take me a while). I’m sure Nacho will understand. Your sadness is a reflection of your deep love for his/her brother, after all, and he is and will be loved just as much.

  8. Oh hon. I’m sending you a huge hug and so much love. The due dates are always so hard and the loss of this one, your little angle boy is just heart wrenching. I’m praying so hard for little nacho too. He or she can’t replace your lost ones, but can hopefully help fill the void they left behind.

  9. 😦 Big big hugs…. These dates are markers and they need our energy and attention. Once you get past them they are easier to bear. Don’t feel guilty – Nacho is just growing inside regardless. You can’t invest emotionally yet because of the fear and that is completely normal. It will come and there is no rush. You can’t recover overnight so allow the grief and hopefully you’ll be out into the sunshine soon xxxxxx

  10. Sending you so much love and healing your way. The grief over loss will always be there, as time goes by, the intensity of it will come and go. And today must be so hard, remembering what should have been, so sorry you have to go through all this, while your friends move on. It baffles me that they won’t reach out, remembering you should have been one of them at this stage. I’m so so glad you have Nacho with you now, bringing the hope back for a rainbow baby in the end.

  11. Lisette, I am so deeply sorry about your lost boy. Would you consider honouring him by naming him this week with your partner, around his due date? This was a suggestion from our grief counsellor after one of our losses of a baby we had not named. You could make some art or write him a letter too. He will always be your son, you can name and honour your love and grief for him any time or way you need to. I don’t know if these thoughts will help or make you feel worse but I share them in hope they at least give you options. I agree with you – not grieving fully can be a block and something you need to do for you. Finally, I am sorry about your loneliness but it is not permanent. And you must need the solitude or peacefulness of not facing others’ impending births. You did what was best for you. And you can change that when you’re ready and what’s best is something else.

    Sending warm hugs in quiet company for you and high hopes for wee Nacho.

    • Thank you so much lovely for your note. You make a good point. Naming him might help us to grieve. I like the idea and will discuss with DH. Thank you so much for your support, it means so much xx

  12. My mother in law told me a story recently. After my husband was born she had two miscarriages. When she got pregnant again she was sure it would end in loss too. The day she gave birth to that baby she was still didn’t fully believe. Even after she gave birth she was convinced he was stillborn and wouldn’t look at him until a nurse who knew her finally convinced her to look at and hold him and then she believed. All that is to say that these losses affect us more than we might acknowledge. Take care of yourself, we are rooting for you and Nacho.

    • Wow thank you for telling me this. Your poor MIL. I’m relieved to know I’m not the only one who might be like this right up until / if it happens. Makes me feel a lot better. Thank you hun xx

  13. Pains me to see you hurt. And wow, I would’ve been hurt about not being invited to the baby shower as well. Time really flies and I can’t believe the Sweet Pea Thief is going to be due already. Really hope that after this you are going to get better and better. Thinking of you.

  14. Oh my dear…my heart is breaking for you right now. I’m so sorry this long, devastating road has been your path. Everything you’re feeling is valid. And I think you’re much stronger and more courageous than you’d ever let yourself believe. I think every single one of your children would be tremendously proud of you. And I think Nacho will understand. He’s just going to have the very best mama. You will get yourself back. You’ve just been through hell, so it makes sense that you feel like it. Wish I could give you a hug.

  15. I am so so sorry for your loss…and I can totally understand how it is hard to bond with Nacho with this difficult date and all the emotions and the fear for Nacho looming. I am glad so far so good. Also, this really spoke to me:
    “So I guess today I’m grieving the loss of a little boy. I’m grieving the loss of the old me. My old life, my friends, my best friend. My naivety, my confidence, my energy, my lust for life. My belief in myself.”
    I feel the same loss. My physical losses were too early to know the sex, but I feel so acutely those same life losses that come with all of this. I am thinking of you, and hope for peace and healing for you.

  16. If I’ve worked it out correctly, tomorrow should be the 10 week scan. I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you and have my fingers crossed that it will be a good day and you’ll get to see little nacho waving back at you and doing a little salsa in homage to his nickname x

    • You’re so sweet GK. It’ll be 10w tomorrow, you’re right. We aren’t getting a scan until Tuesday unfortunately but had one on Tuesday night just gone after a self imposed meltdown :/ Worth the expense though for the peace of mind, all was well. I’m hoping it still is. You’ll be the first to know. How are you doing? You are always on my mind xxx

  17. I love this post. There is such power and truth in your words. You are honoring all of your babies every day, and it is ok to feel everything that you are feeling. There’s nothing to forgive. Your experience makes you the mama you are. I’ve been taking it one day at a time and letting the waves of grief come when they choose and just accepting at this point that it is one way my lost one stays with me. My lost one will always be with me even as I grow another and wonder the same things. Am I bonding enough? This one wouldn’t be coming along if not for my lost one. That is a comfort to me somehow and a gift from my lost one. I am holding your hand always. XO

    • Thank you so much sweetie 🙂 I must admit you have helped me to get through each day. Your encouragement and reassurance that it’s ok to feel what I’m feeling really has helped me to accept things as they are. It’s not easy for either of us but I’m thankful to have you just 140 characters away. Hugs hun, thinking of you always xxx

  18. Been thinking of you, Lisette. It’s been quiet and I am hoping that no news is good news. Saying lots of prayers for you. You’ve been on my mind. Love and prayers. Lots. xo

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