One day at a time

Thanks to you all for your support during this amazing and scary transition.

Right now I am full of excitement, desperation, anxiety, happiness, fear, and pure love. I can’t say I’m getting into the groove of this yet but I am continuing to take one day at a time.

After the results of the Harmony test and 12w Nuchal scan we took a few days to enjoy the knowledge that everything was looking good. Nacho was actually measuring four days ahead so they have changed my due date to reflect his new size. We have lost four precious days of this pregnancy as a result. Today marks 14w5d and I am in utter disbelief.

I attended my first antenatal midwife appointment shortly afterwards, at the hospital we decided on. I had been preparing to be treated like a normal pregnant woman, thinking they wouldn’t pay much attention to my history now that I have officially graduated from the recurrent loss clinic. But what came out of the appointment couldn’t be further from what I had expected. After a thorough Q&A and check of the relevant vitals it was determined that based on my RPL history and current clotting disorders, my family history and the list of drugs I’m on, I tick all the boxes for preterm labour and other complications and will be treated as a high risk case.

It was explained to me that all the choices I was previously told I would be able to make surrounding labour and birth have now been removed and that I would give birth in a labour ward under the conditions agreed with our consultant. This doesn’t really bother me, but I did wonder if they have had many RPL patients because BIRTH is the LAST freaking thing I could possibly even think about right now, I can’t even think about next week.

I’ve also been warned that I am likely to require a cervical stitch in the next few weeks, something I was not expecting. I will do anything if it helps.

Since that appointment I have already been seen twice (and got to see Nacho again – bliss)and will continue to be seen once a week by the midwives and various consultants for cervical exams, blood tests, and additional scans for Nacho. It is a bit overwhelming to be so thoroughly scrutinised but I am so appreciative. Anxious but appreciative.

Otherwise, nothing has really changed for me since the day one. I am still fundamentally terrified Nacho’s heart will stop beating one day and I will be able to do nothing about it. I wonder if that fear ever goes away.

But as DH and I move forward each day with trepidation, Nacho couldn’t be more oblivious. He is growing fast. His presence is showing now and each day it feels like the bump is getting bigger. Well I guess that is how it’s supposed to work. His growing, as happy as it makes me feel, also fills me with anxiety as I know I will need to address it with the outside world soon. This is something I am most definitely NOT prepared to do.

I have always hoped that I could just exclaim at the end of this “hey guys look what I found!” and point to a little person that (hopefully?) bears a resemblance of DH and me. Can’t I progress through this without having to tell anyone?

No one knows except for you guys and one IRL friend. Why don’t I want to scream it from the tree tops like everyone else? Why do I panic when I think about telling family, work, the few friends I have left?

1) Telling people makes it too real. If it’s real then something bad could happen. Again. If the universe doesn’t notice I might just squeak through unscathed. Stupid but pretty accurate.

2) The more people who know, the higher the expectation will be for me to go back to being the person I was before all the sadness. Many people have intimated they are just waiting for me to “snap out of it”, to be cured by finally having a baby. A baby isn’t just going to cure the sadness and heartbreak we have experienced over the years. I’m sure it will take the edge off, but I will carry my lost ones around with me forever and I don’t know if I can ever be the same person again.

So for now we have decided to lay low, to keep quiet a bit longer. It feels better that way. I can still try to enjoy this pregnancy even if no one else who knows about it. But I will have to tell work soon. I can barely think about that. Today I’m just going to focus on making it through today.

73 thoughts on “One day at a time

  1. I can relate completely to your thought processes and rationalizations, not stupid, just self defense mechanisms. Wishing and hoping for no surprises over the next several months with Nacho. Glad they are keeping a close eye on you both. *hugs*

      • I think this is one of the many reasons that I like reading everyone’s blogs. It is easy for me to start comparing my inner thoughts with other people’s outside appearances and I start to think that there must be something seriously wrong with me and I start to feel isolated. (Because it always seems like everyone else has their act together, except for me.) But reading these blogs, especially from people that have gone through similar experiences, I start to realize that many of us develop the same coping mechanisms and then I can take some comfort that it is “not just me.” You aren’t alone and I personally am really pulling for you (as I know so many others are too πŸ™‚ ) – that it is “okay” this time and that everything is gonna be all right. πŸ™‚

      • So so true. Such an accurate assessment and a great way to put it. Thank you so much, I can’t you how much better you made me feel πŸ™‚ xx

  2. I’ve only experienced one miscarriage, but that was enough to have worried day & night (especially throughout the 1st trimester, but also many days of first half of 2nd trimester) that one day it all will just ….end….again 😦 *sends a hug in solidarity* So I can relate to your fears and also understand – blissful, carefree pregnancy is something we’ll probably never experience. Infertility, miscarriage and all that has robbed us of it. BUT I was also always one for HOPE, and so I keep on hoping that your little nacho will keep up it’s good pace, and you can cuddle together in the end (of the whole 10 month) !!!

  3. I relate to how you feel completely. I only told immediate family after 14 weeks and most friends and colleagues after week 20. It also helped that I am not skinny to start with and it was winter. You owe no one any explanation on why or when you decide to tell. Enjoy every moment, 9 months really passes fast and before you know nacho will be keeping you and your husband awake all night with diapers and feeding πŸ™‚

  4. One way I was able to rationalize that it was okay to tell everyone about my pregnancy was because I thought that the more people who knew, the more people were thinking positively and hoping for the best. In that case, my telling made the pregnancy stronger πŸ™‚

  5. I’m glad to hear Nacho is doing well, and that they are taking thorough care of you!
    Is your cervix shortening? Or did they explain any other reason for the cerclage? It surprises me a bit because I had a mid-pregnancy loss with a very short cervix and twins, and they still don’t want to do a cerclage in any future pregnancies I’m lucky enough to experience unless my cervix actually shortens, as there are some risks to the procedure.
    Thinking of you, and sending many good wishes for the next 25 weeks!

    • Thanks so much lovely. Yeah my cervix is shortening apparently. I’ve had some past cervical surgeries that made them wary in the first place but I’m going in this week to be checked again. If there’s a difference then they want to do the cerclage but I want to know as much as possible and have a good understanding of the risks before going ahead with it. I’ll keep you posted xx

  6. SO thrilled to hear this update. I always thought I would tell during the 2nd trimester, but that doesn’t mean you do it right on the dot. Take your time and wait until the nervousness passes. Or do what I do with news and tell the most gossipy person in your family first – they will help get the word around.

  7. I’m so happy to read this positive post! I’m so excited for you! I’m definitely rooting for Nacho, I think this one’s a fighter! I know the worry never goes away and the odds never reach zero, but you’re past the biggest hurdle so far, for sure. Keeping all fingers crossed for you!

    And definitely tell whenever you feel ready for it. I had to tell my employer super early (it was after our first ultrasound at 6w6d) because I was already SO nauseous and couldn’t work properly (teaching group exercise and vomiting don’t go so well together..). You’ll know when the right time is. What we did was think who are the close people we’d want support from if we did end up miscarrying, and we told those people before my first trimester was over. So glad we did!

    • Thank you so much hun for sharing your experience, I’m so sorry you had such horrendous morning sickness. Glad you got the support you needed. Thanks as always for your support too. Hugs xxx

  8. How amazing, Lisette. I’ve been checking in regularly to see how you are doing. So glad to hear the good news. What a miracle and I am beyond thrilled to hear how well you are doing and that Nacho is growing! PRaying you have peace through the rest of your pregnancy, and when you have to go public, I pray your get all the support and love you need!

  9. Totally relate and totally happy for you that nacho is thriving. You tell people when you feel like it. I haven’t told work, only close friends and family and have told them not to say anything, I agree with your reasons. I still can’t believe it’s real either! I joked that I’ll tell people at work when I give birth. If only…

  10. I’m so beyond happy for you! You’ll know when the right moment is to go public. In the meantime, try to enjoy this time. I know it’s so hard, and you’re so right, some of those fears will probably never go away, but I really believe this is THE one hon. Keeping you and little nacho in my prayers ❀

    • One more thing… I know you have a lot going on right now, but i just wanted to let you know I nominated you for a Liebster Award. I know you’ve been nominated before so you don’t have to do it again, but just wanted to let you know in case you didn’t get a chance to see my post about it. You are such an huge inspiration to me hon ❀

      • Thank you so much for your support hun, you are such an incredible inspiration to me. And you are so sweet to nominate me for an award, I’m so honoured. You are always in my thoughts. Huge hugs xxx

    • I can totally understand that hun. Everyone just assumes we are ok if we get pregnant again. Like it cures everything and we forget our lost ones. Nothing could be further from the truth. Huge hugs xx

  11. Happy for you, your hubby, and Nacho! It’s such a scary place to be advancing and still fearing the unthinkable. But I am having more and more confidence for you as you reach each milestone. This little one is here to stay. Thinking of you.

  12. So glad to here things are continuing well, and good for you to trust your gut at when it feels comfortable to share. I find it so surprising how much energy it takes me to respond to other people’s emotions about the pregnancy. Even with the vast majority being genuinely happy for me, I find that it takes me a lot of energy to respond–and when I have more complicated responses it’s harder. It may be that for now your energy continued to be needed inward with your Nacho and partner, and that outward can wait. Take care of yourself.

    • Wow I’ve never been able to articulate what you’ve just explained but it’s exactly like that. I feel like there is only so much energy to go around and right now I’m focusing it inward. Thanks so much for articulating that. Huge hugs xx

  13. I’m glad all is going well with Nacho! I would also be happy to be followed from close. I would find it reassuring. Tell people when you’re ready to. Or when it’s too late to hide πŸ˜‰

  14. So happy to hear things are going well and you have a good medical supper team to keep an eye on things so closely. I’m not sure if after a loss you ever feel like you are in the safe zone. Everyday I worry if I don’t feel movement for a few hours and everyone I go to the restroom I’m nervous to see blood. The one thing that has helped us through our grief, though, is telling people after we felt comfortable. Now, those are the people that have provided support after our loss. Just take one day at a time, that’s all any one can do!

  15. This is awesome, stupendous, ridiculous-amazing, crazy-good news, yayeee! You did it, all three of you. I can understand your trepidation…lately I’ve been wondering how I would survive an entire pregnancy (would I have a doppler permanantlly adhered to my abdomen somehow? Would I buy an ultrasound room of my very own and sleep there most nights, spend entire days on the table with a wand up my hoo-ha?). Hopefully all of the monitoring will also help put your mind at ease from time to time when you most need it. Thinking of you always. XOX

    • Thank you hun, I so appreciate your wise words. It’s true, I have a Doppler almost permanently attached to my abdomen when I’m at home. I doubt we’ll ever be truly comfortable with our histories but one day at a time I guess hey? Thinking of you and your embies! xx

  16. I pray to be able to get to where you are today with your pregnancy and also know that if it happens, I will feel the exact same way. Recurrent loss and IF makes this a scary place to be. I’ve been praying for you and I’ll be hoping this new clinic takes great care of you both!

  17. One day at a time! I know it seems you’ve a long way to go and many obstacles ahead, but just try to focus on here and now. Don’t let others’ expectations cloud your well-deserved joy! Continuing to send up prayers and positivity for Nacho and for you. Xoxo

  18. I can totally relate to this post. I am sorry you’re still fearful, glad you’re enjoying some moments of bliss, and so relieved that you’ll be getting plenty of care and people checking on you and Nacho as you move forward, one day at a time, to his birth. I didn’t officially announce I was pregnant until the very end of the second trimester and the fear never went away, but I did find more joyful moments as we got closer to the end of the second trimester (until the little emergency that arose and meant an urgent induction, but that issue would have been identified earlier had I been getting the care you’ll be receiving – and I was diagnosed as high risk, too).

    On a positive note, I couldn’t be happier for you to be “enjoying” this pregnancy (if you’re counting the days you’ll be missing, I guess it counts as enjoyment?). Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, love!

    • Thank you so much for telling me you can relate. Sometimes I feel like I must be nuts for feeling this way. Really helps to know there are others who found it difficult too. I’m sorry you felt that way though. Huge hugs xx

  19. Yay extra monitoring means you get to see your baby much more than the 2 or 3 times you would ‘normally’ you also get to find out lots of other weird things like you would never normally find out (like the length of your cervix! Weird!) you’ll miss it when they tell you you don’t need to come back to the premature clinic! They said to me this week they would discharge me if I wanted but I could come one more time as I was still reasonably early on – guess what I chose?!! I think our babies will be the most scanned in London! I’m so glad all is going well for you and nacho xxxx

  20. I felt the same way. Take it at your own pace- but enjoy each moment. You’ve waited a long time for this- and pregnancy is so much shorter than most of our long waits for it!

  21. Great honest peace. It’s so important for the rest of the world to recognize that pregnancy doesn’t mean the pain and wounds of infertility go away forever. It takes a lot of courage to admit what you have.

    Stay strong and keep fighting the good fight!

  22. So glad to hear everything is OK!! Getting ready to tell people makes me feel sick – I know exactly what you mean. I told my Dad today (only DH and my mum knew) and I was shaking before I made the call. It seems wildly inappropriate to be all excited, but it seems wrong to keep it from our family… it’s a really odd thing. I too want to just turn up with a new baby (if we ever get to that point), rather than actually tell people I am pregnant. I thought I was just being weird but when I read this just now… ahhh – this journey. It’s crazy crazy. XXX

  23. Close attention is better than no attention!!! It is good they are taking such good care of you and little Nacho. So pleased he is growing strongly in there. That is such fabulous news.

  24. What’s a cervical stitch? I’m so glad they’re monitoring you throughout and hopefully it’ll give you more peace of mind seeing Nacho more often. Rest up lots and talk lots to Nacho! x

    • In my non medical lingo a cervical stitch is needed when they think you’re cervix won’t hold the baby in properly. So far mine seems to be ok. Thanks so much for the well wishes lovely xx

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