Resurfacing

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I can’t believe how long it has been since my last post. Where do I start?

Tired, oh so tired.

Unbelievably I’m 22 weeks today. We had a scan last week that went well. These things still bring tears to my eyes. I can’t believe a heart is still beating in there, I just can’t. Nacho is measuring on time and everything seems OK. He is a bouncing kicking ninja. He makes me smile when I feel him moving in the middle of the night, or when I’m in a meeting. It is the best gift to be reminded that he is doing fine and just doing his thing. I am so overwhelmed and thankful every single day.

I am continuously at the hospital. Continuously waiting at the hospital. Although I am being seen a lot but several different specialists I don’t feel like I am getting consistent care. Advice I get is fast, preoccupied or conflicting, I never see the same doctor or midwife. There’s something about being a patient at a large hospital that makes me feel like I am slipping through the cracks a little. Not that I have anything to really justify that statement, it’s just a feeling. The important thing is that they feel like everything is going OK. So for now that is good enough for me.

We are over half way now. I am filled with excitement and fear and anxiety.

I think for those of us immersed in the world of infertility and loss, we almost know too much. We know what can go wrong. We have seen it happen. We have friends who have been through it. We hear their stories everyday. That naivety and innocence other lucky couples get to experience isn’t an option for people like us. This knowledge has a weight. I feel it everyday. I’m scared for the worst. It’s what holds me back from feeling safe, feeling comfortable, from trusting my body.

Maybe this is still why I have this innate fear of telling others. I still want to keep him secret until he turns up. It feels so much safer that way. Crazy I know. My therapist tells my this could be lingering PTSD. To this day I can count on one hand how many people we have told. Our families know, my boss, and two friends. But I think another week and there will be no denying it, my bump is getting big. Yet I still can’t identify with other pregnant women I see day to day. I haven’t been able to reconnect with the friends I’ve lost over the years. I just can’t relate. I don’t feel any different. Nothing has changed for me emotionally. I feel as cautious and scarred as ever. I wonder if we ever lose these RPL or infertility battle wounds?

But the long time I’ve taken to post again I am blaming on my job. It has taken over my life. I’m going through a massive work-life imbalance, something that has got to change immediately. Since January my work has ramped up to the point where I am working 70+ hour weeks. I haven’t even had time for a haircut let alone a blog post and this makes me so angry. My job is not physical or laborious but this is still not good. It is stressful and challenging and I am shocked and dissappointed in myself that I have put up with it for so long. I raised it as an issue back in January and continued to discuss it with management that something has to change. They keep making promises that they don’t keep and I am sick of it.

I have only recently told my boss I am expecting, something that took everything I had in me. He was great about it but you’d think the pressure would lighten up? Nope. What I don’t understand is why do I even care about this job? I have been waiting and working so hard to have a pregnancy succeed why do I give two shits about this job? I’m still figuring it out.

I finally jumped up and down enough that they have taken notice and started to do something about it. I booked this week off to recover and when I get back I won’t put up with this crap. I can’t flat out quit because we are dependent on my maternity pay – we JUST qualified by the way. A LMP 10 days sooner means we wouldn’t be eligible. So I am thankful for that.

So you haven’t missed much. Thank you to all who have checked in, your kindness overwhelms me everyday.

One thing is for sure, I miss this blog, I miss the feelings this blog allows me to express and I miss everyone I am connected to on here. I promise not to be gone so long again. Lots of love to you all. xx

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71 thoughts on “Resurfacing

  1. Congratulations on 22 weeks of pregnancy! πŸ™‚ I feel just the way you do. I’m still reluctant to tell other people (besides close family) that I’m pregnant and I’m 15 weeks today. You would think by now I would feel more at ease about this pregnancy? I wish I could be just a “naive” pregnant woman. Good for you for taking off a week. I’m sure you need it! Looking forward to more posts from you πŸ˜‰

  2. I am so glad to see an update and hear that you and Nacho are still doing beautifully ❀ Good luck with the work situation. I went through something similair and am finally down to working 9-9.5 hour days 5 days a week and that's it. So much better than what I was doing. Good luck with everything and I hope you enjoy your week off πŸ™‚

    • Thank you so much! It’s such a relief to hear that you’ve been through something similar. I feel so guilty. Even getting things to let up a bit would help so much. I’m glad you have a bit or reprieve and hope things continue to go well for you and the little one πŸ™‚ xx

  3. I’m thrilled that little Nacho is still doing so well. You said ” Yet I still can’t identify with other pregnant women I see day to day. “, and I have to tell you that you probably never will. I know I didn’t and I still don’t relate to other mothers who didn’t have infertility. It’s just a whole different experience for us. I agree that all the scars remain. They get just slightly less painful but they are always there. I’ve actually been meaning to do a post on it. It sure isn’t what I thought pregnancy and motherhood after infertility would be like. I thought I would be healed!
    I hope you can get things under control with your job so that you can have time to relax and prepare for the baby. I know it’s hard to get ready for the baby when you still have such overwhelming fear. I couldn’t do much to get ready at all until less than 3 weeks before he was born.

    • It’s so good to hear all this, thank you. I expect we never get over it and I imagine I’ll be the same as you, 3w before his arrival I might actually get myself into gear! Thanks so much for sharing xx

  4. I think about you often and I’m so happy your update. I just knew Nacho was a fighter! He’s quite the little miracle already. Hugs friend.. big hugs. I love hearing about your little one. I’m just so drawn to your story and find hope whenever you post these updates. I know it’s scary. I know. But know that your posts bring me joy. πŸ™‚ I’m so glad you qualified for maternity leave too. πŸ™‚

    • Thank you so much sweetie. I think you’re right, little Nacho is a fighter πŸ™‚ He amazes me everyday. I’m so honoured that my story gives you hope, I can’t tell you how amazing it feels. This community is so amazing. Thank you so much for always being there πŸ™‚ xx

    • High five for week 22! Ugh I’m so tired all the time! I thought the 2nd trimester was all glowing and full of energy?! I’m feeling zapped beyond belief! xx

  5. Yes! All is well. Good, good. It is so nice to hear from you. Those people at your workplace had better listen up! I’m not okay with you working 70-hour work weeks and might fly over there and talk to some people myself. I think of you quite often. I’m very happy to have joined the lucky #7 club. (: I hope I get to stay here with you. Take good care. Hi, Nacho! xoxox

    • There she is, that mothering all-protector I love, so nice to hear from you πŸ™‚
      I’m so excited that lucky #7 club has expanded, I am so so so so excited and over the moon with joy for you. Nacho sends his love and excitement too, he’s kicking in serious bliss right now! xxx

  6. So glad to hear all is well. Don’t take any more crap from your job – 70 hour weeks are definitely not possible in the third trimester unless you want a host of horrible health complaints! RPL and infertility never leaves you, and it’s not such a bad thing. I still check my children’s breathing every single night before bed and my oldest is nearly 5. And every night I marvel at the miracle they are, no matter how crappy a day I’ve had πŸ™‚ You are doing great, don’t stay away too long! X

    • Hi Rose, thanks so much for your note, your advice is always appreciated. I love the perspective that RPL / infertility never leaving you isn’t a necessarily a bad thing. We will always be the ones to appreciate what we’ve got. Thanks for that! xxx

  7. So glad to read your update! I was wondering how things have been going!! So glad to read everything is going well for you and Nacho! What a relief! Truly a miracle. So happy for you, Lisette! Start taking it easy, though – for you and Nacho!!
    Hugs! Can’t wait to read how the rest progresses!

  8. Yay!! I am so happy you and Nacho are just chugging along swimmingly! I am also sad that work is being a bit of a jerk =( 22 weeks is incredible! It’s funny cause I still don’t think of myself as in that category. Not yet. I am even really too afraid to even say it out loud.

    Enjoy that week off, Momma, and take care of yourself and the little one!

  9. Great to have you back! I left my stressful job that had me working 70+ hour weeks and treated pregnant gals like crap (me in particular for objecting to such treatment) during my mat leave. Best decision ever. And I was scared to tell and didn’t until about 25 weeks – even though many women had figured it out. I even lied to stupid people at my work who tried to get me to admit it. Like you, I needed to stay there because I wanted the mat leave benefits. I don’t know what the law is like over there, but it’s unlikely they’d fire you even if you stick up for yourself now. That can be a tricky bit of business when a gal’s knocked up and all!
    I did reconnect with some friends after our wee one numero uno was born. You might find you are better able to do that then. Or you may decide you have other matters on which to focus your energy and attention! Either way, you will do what’s best for you, when the time is right.
    Sorry about the revolving door care. Is that the only option, no designated midwife or obstetrician or maternal-fetal medicine specialist you can get signed up with?
    Yay, Nacho, keep kicking and reminding your mama how awesome you both are!

    • Thanks so much for your insight hun. I can’t believe what a hard time you had too! I’m feeling better about things already thankfully. Work can screw right off! xx

  10. Congratulations on 22 weeks and I hope you are able to relax a bit more and get some help with work! I just stumbled upon your blog and look forward to more updates and a turn to happiness for you.

  11. Great to hear your news. I’ve also found it hard to ease back on work (with a class of 28 engaged in an art lesson it’s hard to just put my feet up!) but soon you’ll have no choice as your brain will stop working and you’ll not care anymore! At least that’s what I found, seriously though I think being pregnant makes you anxious about everything so worrying/caring too much about work is totally par for the course. It’s terrible they haven’t been more understanding. I hope you can find some time to relax soon. Anyway I’m so happy that all is going well with your little one! Xx

    • Thanks so much lovely! I’m so glad I can’t expect to care less and less. I can feel it already πŸ™‚ hope things are great with you and the little one. Thinking of you! xx

  12. So glad to hear the pregnancy is going well. Try to be easy on yourself with the job. You are doing the right thing to put your foot down. It’s hard, I know. I worked a really full on job when preggers with my no 1 too. It’s hard for the employer too though as if they were to reduce workload due to pregnancy then you would get an epic number of complaints along the lines of “pregnancy isn’t an illness”. It just happens that you are in a different situation, one where you pregnancy has taken a lot of heartache and effort to achieve. Stand your ground and do what you feel is right. This will be only the first of many times you will stand up for your child. See it as practice πŸ™‚

  13. Hello gorgeous gal, Just catching up on everyone’s blog posts and to read that you are pregnant is fantastic. Totally understandable how you feel about it all. I think if I ever do get pregnant I won’t be able to relax and feel happy until I’m holding that baby in my arms. I think I better go back and read your old posts to see how this all came about. So happy for you.
    xx

  14. So glad to see this update! Your thoughts are so similar to mine with respect to those going through infertility almost know too much. I have reached 18 weeks myself by the grace of God and every day still frightens me. I know what can happen. I have heard stories…worse yet, experienced it firsthand. I only wish I could have that innocence some ladies are so lucky to have. Until this little one is in my arms, every day is cause for celebration and worry that things can change in the blink of an eye. Think happy thoughts…and congrats. We should be able to enjoy it after all!

  15. I’m finally playing catch up after my insane week! I am so happy to see this update!!! I have missed you! I am so beyond thrilled for you and little nacho!

    I really hope they give you a break at work on. That is ridiculous! Good for you for putting your foot down! You’ve been through so much. You need to put yourself first.

    I’m continuing to keep you in my thoughts and prayers ❀

    • Thank you so much sweetie! This is all such a rollercoaster huh?! Work just doesn’t get it but I think that things are getting better. They need to! Thanks as always for your support xxx

  16. I’ve recently found your blog so have been playing catch up today on your incredible journey. So firstly a big thank-you for sharing your experiences with us all & even bigger congratulations on your pregnancy with your little Nacho!! I too have been discussing the possibility of super fertility with my consultant after 6 miscarriages, a co-existing ectopic (miscarriage no. 5) and my current pregnancy is also a suspected ectopic. I have got pregnant in the first month of trying each time & all the usual tests have come back ok (apart from low AMH). I have a beautiful healthy 4yr old son from my first pregnancy, so I know I can do this!! My consultant thinks super fertility may well be my problem with my secondary RPL but doesn’t have a treatment plan that he can suggest so I have been reading your blog with great interest this morning, particularly given you are now doing so well with this pregnancy. Would it be possible for you to share the details of the consultant you have been seeing – I note that you only refer to them by initial so maybe this isn’t the done thing in the blogging world?! Anyway, it would be great if I could speak to your consultant about my case, but either way you have given me hope which is something I feel I have been rather lacking of late, so a huge thank-you for that.

    (Sorry for such a long post!)
    Gill

    • Hi Gill, so sorry for the late reply. I’m sorry you’re going through this as well. No one should have to go through this. I’m so sorry you suspect ectopic now as well, how traumatic. What’s the latest? How are you feeling?

      Oh course I’d be happy to share my consultant’s details. Are you in the UK? Can I email them to you? I hope you get some good insight from my blog because I found this super fertility stuff particularly fascinating and you have some very similar issues as I have so I would hope that their treatment protocol might help.

      Sending hugs and strength. xx

      • Thanks so much for getting back to me & Sorry it’s taken me so long to reply (we’re on hols at the moment so quite nice not to be online 247!!)

        My email is gillstephenson@me.com if you are able share any details of your consultant/s that would be fantastic. I am based near Manchester but happy to travel to where the specialists are based!

        Your blog has been quite an eye opener for me as beyond the media reports in Aug 2012 I’ve never seen anyone else talk about superfertility issues & although my consultant is aware of it he doesn’t seem to have any suggestions for how to beat it!!

        Thanks again for getting back to me … Hope you and your little Nacho are doing really well (and you’re managing to cut back on the hours at work!?!)

        Gx

      • Now I’m sorry for the massive delay! I need 3-day weeks always! It’s the only way to get stuff done! Anyway I’d be happy to email you the consultants details, will do that shortly. I’m glad my blog may be offering some insight, if I can help at all please let me know! Hugs xx

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