Empathetic Sunday

I’m feeling particularly empathetic these days. Maybe it’s the hormones, maybe it’s the anxiety I can’t seem to shake, or the impending doom I feel about Nacho on a daily basis, maybe it’s a particularly emotional time in the blogosphere. But I’m finding it hard. There’s so much pain out there I just want to fix.

My hormones may be raging, yes, but it never ceases to blow my mind how emotional this journey is. It’s not just the highs and lows of our own experiences as individuals, but when you invest in the support of the journey of others in our community as we all do it is can be overwhelming. So much happens in the community of loss and infertility.

For the past several weeks, months, years I have witnessed, via blogging and twitter, long awaited BFPs, painful failed IVFs and IUIs, heartbreaking miscarriages, joyous births, devastating stillbirths, successful pregnancies after multiple losses, shocking second trimester losses, world-changing diagnoses, horrible set-backs, botched adoptions, cancelled cycles, making peace with moving on, cruel anniversaries, all bringing tears to my eyes.

It’s like being on the front lines of a warzone. There’s so much power, so much drive in our desire to be parents. It’s literally life or death. And we are faced with it everyday as we support each other. The sheer strength we all demonstrate to get ourselves through another day is mind boggling.

I’m saddened so deeply lately by my friends, you know who you are, who are struggling through countless failed ivf cycles. My heart is bursting with anger and sadness. The loss is blinding. I just don’t get why these things happen to good people. All we all want is a baby to take home.

And the losses. So many babies lost.

A few weeks ago the loss of a twitter friend’s second trimester twin babies really hit home. The twins were very close in gestation to Nacho, they had just reached “viability”. A cruel word. The grief and disbelief that this poor family must be enduring takes my breath away. How, in one day, can someone go from being fine to losing both her babies? I just don’t understand.

So much heartbreak.

I know, I know, there’s lots of good news out there too. Such happy stories, such relief. I celebrate these little milestones no matter how small.

Apologies for the super down post but I promised myself to get the thoughts that cloud my mind out onto virtual paper when I need to. Today has been a day of reflection too. Thinking of my own lost sweet peas tears me up inside. I think about all six nestled up in a cozy little pod together, looking after each other. I grieve for them everyday. I’m beginning to understand that that’s ok.

33 thoughts on “Empathetic Sunday

  1. That’s so heartbreaking to read. I agree that we invest so much emotionally in our friends on the internet. It’s very difficult to grasp the reasons and purposes for all the losses. 😦

  2. It is heart breaking. No other words to describe the turmoil each one of us goes through. And let me tell you friend even when we reach a happy place there is no making peace with the past. It just doesnt happen.

  3. Yes, the suffering – and its pervasiveness – is downright cruel. You are kind to acknowledge it and own your feelings about it. I’m saying a prayer for all those struggling and suffering on this journey right now and sending a hug to you and little Nacho.

  4. Front lines of a war zone! As always you put it so well. When you see everything, it is difficult not to anticipate everything. Sometimes tears just come quick and hot at the mere thought of particular friends. This capacity for empathy is such a gift—albeit sometimes hard to carry. You’re a beautiful soul, you are. Xoxoxo

  5. Beautiful post. So sad that so much empathy is needed in the world of IF, but you put it in such a true, clear manner. I am so sorry for your friend who lost twins suddenly… I just don’t understand why there has to be so much pain in the world. Happiness, too, but sometimes the pain just seems unbearable. Peace to you and little Nacho!

  6. So I’m not the only one who noticed…first there was a bunch of bfp’s (who are entering their second trimester now) and now several early losses and failed IVF’s…is there a pattern? How do we make sense of this? It’s bewildering. XO

  7. It is truly such a hard journey – I’m thankful we all have each other for support, but you are so right in saying this is like being in a war zone. Hugs to you! I love that you call your babies your sweet peas – my dog that passed away in 2012 was named Sweetpea and she was the most precious/sweetest animal to ever live. I like to think that all of our babies in Heaven are hanging out with my Sweetpea, running through the fields and chasing squirrels. XOXO

  8. So very sad, and even sadder that it’s our reality. I wake each day wondering if my tiny miracle is still growing, terrified for my first ultrasound next week.

  9. I hear you hon. It’s so hard to not thinking about it. Today, I got some news about one of our own that made my faith waver. I’m beyond angry and heartbroken over it. This has been such a hard week/month for so many. I know there’s been good amongst us too and I think this is the only thing that keeps me going sometimes. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about you and nacho and I’m praying so hard you’re one of us who makes it. Thinking about your sweet peas too hon. They will not be forgotten.

  10. Your preferences for you birth plan are very similar to mine. I have decided to be flexible & open with the process but my ideals are to avoid pain relief as mcv as possible. I really hope to BF so do to wish to impact the baby’s alterness after birth. Diamorphine/ pethidine etc can leave them sluggish. Our hosp policy is to complete delayed chord clamping as standard so will also share the last bloods/nutrients of the placenta before stage 4. I prey these things go to plan but I suppose the is the least in-control of our lives we’ll ever be. Hope you’re feeling well. X

    • Hey hun, well your miracle is already happened and I am just so ecstatic for you. Thinking of you all the time, hope you are all adjusting well, lots of love xx

  11. Hugs. It can be so hard. It does seem like there has been so much loss lately. Even locally, my 2 close friends and I all got pregnant within 3 weeks of each other, and then 2 of us lost our babies, and now it looks like the other is going to too. I find it hard to get excited about my current cycle while so many others are going through loss. It’s hard not to take it all to heart.

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