When did life get so complicated?

I am going to apologise for my radio silence again. Things have been especially weird for me lately and I am still wrapping my brain around things. Normally I would reach out to the blogosphere but it didn’t feel right, until now.

I don’t know where to start. The good news? Nacho is a beautiful 32w4d today. I am being managed carefully at the hospital. The love I feel for this kid is overwhelming, it brings tears to my eyes whenever I think about how much I love him. He has his own little personality that is so unique and I can’t wait to meet him. This enhances the pain I feel for my lost sweetpeas more and more. They would have all had unique sweet little personalities too.

This is the time last year when I lost sweetpea #5. One year since I lost myself. I was hanging on for the two years beforehand but losing #5 completed ruined me. I have been slowly scraping myself off the bottom of the pit since then.

I was recently diagnosed with prenatal depression. I have had a hard time determining what is just hormones and what is sadness, but my therapist seems to think I tick all the boxes. It appears as though I do. I don’t know why that is embarrassing but it is. Surprisingly they are not hard boxes to tick. I can completely see how RPL and IF could bring this on.

I continue to see a therapist once a week which helps, and I am trying to open my mind up to the thought of actually meeting little Nacho but I am still very afraid to really commit to the idea of him actually turning up. All I have wanted is to have a little person in my life and you’d think I should be happy about it now that it’s actually happening. It’s not that, because I am happy, but I am also terrified, overwhelmed and sad most of the time. It’s hard to explain. I have yet to buy anything really other than a few second hand clothes online, going into a baby shop still fills me with anxiety. Slowly though I think I am coming to terms with the idea that he is OK in there and that he will be with me soon.

The saddest part to this story is that it is looking more and more likely that I will be splitting from my husband before Nacho makes his appearance. I have not really blogged about this before and I feel quite vulnerable doing this, but this blog is my way to vent and I think I finally need to do that. It is a really long story that I don’t intend to bring you all in on but suffice it to say that DH has crossed my one and only line too many times. It would appear that he is struggling with the idea of fatherhood more than he can verbalise. He has yet to confirm this to me, I’m still only guessing.

Throughout our relationship he has needed to blow off steam, as we all do when we live busy lives. He goes out on these benders and does not call, tell me where he is or attempt to come home before 7am. I would normally be fine (well more tolerant) with this except for the fact that 10 years ago DH nearly died of a drug overdose on one of these benders and had to be resuscitated by the paramedics miles away from me and our home. Since that day my only stipulation of our relationship was that he needed to stay away from that drug. Did he want to? Yes. Has he? No.

I don’t believe he is an addict, or maybe I’m naive, because he only does this once or twice a year. For 10 long years I have sat up through the night wondering if he was dead or alive, if he was suffering or alone, until he decided to turn up once he had shaken off the effects to grovel. I have been pregnant many times when this has happened but it hasn’t mattered. He swears that he is devoted to me and Nacho and doesn’t know what is wrong with him but has refused to see a therapist about it with or without me. Until now. I have given a handful ultimatums by now, and none of them mean anything to him. Brick wall. Endless empty promises.

The sad thing is that 95% of the time he is a devoted and loving man who is very excited to meet his long-awaited son. Day to day he takes on so much responsibility to try to eliviate any stress I might be suffering. But then he goes and has these inexplicable sessions of destruction, fully aware of the consequences. It’s like he’s a different person. I understand that everyone needs an outlet for this kind of stress, and some of you may fee like I am being especially harsh, but no amount of day to day support can make up for the trauma of those long nights wondering if Nacho will ever get to meet his dad. I don’t ask for much, just this one little thing. Oddly I am quite a tolerant person otherwise and always have been.

Am I supposed to sit back and watch as my self-confidence and self-worth quietly and slowly wane? After having watched my parents go through more or less the same thing I had always promised myself to have more self-respect than than to allow someone to hurt me over and over until I became a shell of a human. My mum raised me to focus on my career and to always look out for number one and I realise now that I am in her shoes, making that connection 20 years before she made hers. Nacho is too important to allow this to carry on. He deserves to have a father he can depend on.

So somehow I have to find a way to pick myself up, and start to consider life as a single mum. I never in a million years imagined this would be the outcome for me, I had believed DH would grow up eventually and we would finally get to enjoy a child who has meant so much to us both. We had such a long hard journey to get here.

The logistics of actually doing this are sinking in: giving birth without my husband (damn good thing I will have my doula – yes I did end up hiring one – more on her another time), struggling through the early weeks on my own, eventually selling the house, packing and moving across the world back home with a young baby. It has been done by thousands of women before me and my situation is not unique but man does it feel like shit.

It’s too bad that I have very few meaningful relationships now since I dumped all my friends during my struggles with RPL and I live in a country without any family. But I have made it this far and I will have to find a way to do this. In the meantime I have sent him away to try to figure things out. I’m not sure what resolution will come of this. My mum has offered to come out anytime to help and I will take her up on it.

I am so ashamed, so devastated that my marriage is not one those that got stronger through IF and RPL and that Nacho and I don’t mean enough to DH. I visualise how nice things could have been together as a family, it’s what kept me going all these years, but I see now that I would have to compromise myself to achieve that.

What I am trying to remember is that Nacho is the most important thing right now. He needs his mum strong and devoted to him. Nothing else matters. That is my focus now.

47 thoughts on “When did life get so complicated?

  1. You are a strong lady and already a great mom! I am so sorry about what you are going through in your marriage, especially after all the years spent trying to build a family together. Sending all my love as you work through to a resolution.

  2. Oh my gosh. I don’t know what to say. This is all so terrible. 😦

    I’m so, so, so sorry you have to go through this. Regarding the depression, it’s a good thing you’re getting help. I’m so happy you’re weeks away from meeting Nacho, and I have faith that he’s going to do nothing but enlighten your life. I know you miss the sweetpeas that you lost before him, but don’t worry that you’re dishonoring them somehow. At some point, for those of us with RPL who finally end up with a little one, we have to accept that there was one that made it and others didn’t. We have to be allowed to be happy, and grateful, and to let some of that sadness go. I’m sure it’s hard, but it’s okay. I know you’ll get there. ❤

    As for your husband…wow. I'm so sorry you've been struggling like this quietly for so long. But it sounds like you know exactly what you need to do. That baby isn't even born yet and you're already showing him how much you love him and how important he is to you. That is terrible that your husband can't seem to walk away from these benders…I'm sure it's going to break your heart to walk away from him. But you're strong. I don't even know you in real life, and I know you're strong, because of what you wrote here. You're ready. You can do what's best for your baby Nacho. He's got a great momma waiting for him.

    Hang in there, sweetie. And reach out to us about all of this, anytime, whenever. We're here for you. ❤ ❤ ❤

  3. Oh, hun, I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time of things right now. Hoping so hard that your husband can work these problems out and focus on the important people in his life and what they need from him. And especially he needs to know his own self worth and that he is valuable. You will always make the right decisions for yourself and for Nacho. Sending lots of love!

  4. Please don’t feel ashamed, you have not done anything wrong other than want to have faith and hope in someone that was supposed to be your partner. I am proud of you for taking the steps you need to take to take care of yourself and Nacho. Thinking of you during this difficult and anxious time and sending you so many hugs.

  5. My heart jumped out when I was reading this post. I can’t imagine what you have been going through, being sad and depressed and dealing with the various problems that your husband has been having. Hugs honey… It’s so so stressful. You’re a very strong person. It takes courage to do the right thing for yourself and for Nacho. I am sending you thoughts, love, and hugs. ❤

  6. I can’t whistle, but I would whistle after reading this. Of course you’re struggling with depression. I can’t believe everything you’ve been through and are continuing to go through. I know it’s not the same thing as being in person, but you have all of us behind you.

  7. Keeping you and nacho in my thoughts and prayers. Can’t imagine how hard it is to be going through all of this, but know that you have nothing to be ashamed about. Hugs!

  8. Oh, I’ve welled up reading your blog. My heart really goes out to you.

    You are already a fantastic mum to little Nacho, you have nothing at all to feel ashamed about. You are putting him first which is exactly what you should do.

    While you are already a mum with a strong bond, he doesnt have that to the same extent and probably won’t feel it properly before Nacho makes an appearance (men are always a step behind us)so for his sake I hope he realises what these benders may be costing him before it is too late. I totally understand why you have put your foot down.

    Congratulations on reaching this stage in your pregnancy – the end is in sight!!!

  9. ❤ Thinking of you. Even just one of these things would be hard. I've been there with being with someone with addiction and wondering if they were alive or dead some nights. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone. I hope you both are able to find some peace soon. You are doing the right thing for yourself and Nacho and we are all here to support you in any way we can. ❤

  10. You and Nacho both deserve to feel safe, happy, and wanted. Gotta do what you gotta do–thank God your mother raised you to be independent so you have other options besides staying and being unhappy! Cheers to your Mom and cheers to you, because you and Nachito are gonna be fine no matter what. *hugs* XOXO

  11. I’m so sorry for what you are going through with your husband, but I think you’re making the right decisions. I hope this opens his eyes, but more often than not the reality of fatherhood is more than some men want to deal with when it’s down to the wire. Even if it’s only twice a year, it only takes one bad bender to have horrible consequences. It’s our job as mothers to protect our children, and unfortunately that means their own family members don’t get to be involved. I hope things start getting better, and I hope things with this last bit of your pregnancy continue to go well.

  12. My heart breaks for your family during this trying time. I am keeping you in my prayers such that you find peace and happiness as you embark on this new path.

  13. I love you, hon. You are wise and brave, thoughtful and sensitive, beautiful and strong. Whatever you decide, this west coast Londoner has your back.

  14. A few things — I think it’s normal to feel sad and anxious when you’re dealing with RPL. I only lost two before having my son, and I still didn’t believe it was happening until they handed him to me in the hospital.

    As far as your husband goes, I’m truly sorry. That’s horrible and I can’t believe you have to deal with that on top of everything else. As far as only doing it once or twice a year, that’s certainly not a textbook addict, but doing it knowing what the consequences are and doing it anyway because he doesn’t give a shit are absolutely addict behaviors. I hope he pulls his act together for all three of you. My brother struggled with drugs for years and did finally get clean, and he is a wonderful father now so there is hope.

    And definitely have your mom come out for your delivery and the first few weeks afterward if she has the time. It’s so so SO much harder than anyone can prepare you for, and while I didn’t have PPD I did have a case of baby blues for about 5-6 weeks. If you’re already dealing with anxiety, sadness and those hormones (!) you’ll need some help. I couldn’t have done it alone.

  15. Oh, sweetheart, best of love to you.

    It’ll be alright in the end. If its not alright its not yet the end.

    I had antenatal depression too, I found the counselling really helpful. Hang on in there.

  16. I’ve been following your blog for quite sometime and I can’t even begin to tell you how incredible of a woman you are. I know right now you don’t feel strong and you are suffering with a lot from your RPL history, but every time I read a post from you I see strength hidden throughout your posts. You are right, Nacho is the most important thing right now and the well-being of his mamma. You need to do what you need to do for the two of you. It breaks my heart that your husband has made these choices and continues this behavior.. after everything you both have been through. You will meet Nacho and I just know he will bring such joy to your life (just like he already has). I told you from the beginning that little guy is a fighter and I know he gets that from you. Sending so much love and support your way. Email anytime you need to talk. I’ll be here. You have my total support.

  17. That all sounds so tough. I’m amazed you are able to cope with everything you have been through and are going through. Little Nacho is very lucky to have such a brave and strong mum, don’t forget it! xxx

  18. Oh, sweetheart, I am so sorry. Your husband has a problem – and that is no reflection on you though you are right to call it out and say enough is enough. I know the shame is hard to avoid but hope you know what an amazing mama bear you are and that you are doing everything you can to be the wonderful mother you are and Nacho needs. Sending so much love and gentleness your way, my friend.

  19. This is heartbreaking. I really hope that things can be changed, that your husband can reach out and get some needed help, and that baby Nacho can have both of you present, in mind and heart, when he safely arrives.

    Blessings through the pain,

  20. Can’t believe you have been going through all this. I had no idea.. you are such a strong person and I’m sure you’ll make the best choice for you and for Nacho. He’s one lucky baby. Sending a big hug and lots of strength. xx

  21. I’m so sorry you have to deal with your husband’s reckless behavior on top of everything else. It sounds like you’re handling the situation in the right way by clearly letting him know that this is not okay if he wants to be a part of your and Nacho’s life. Please accept whatever help is offered, whether from you mom or this community, to get you through this difficult time and those hard few weeks after Nacho comes home.

  22. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this right now, it must be so hard. It sounds like you know what the right decision is for you and Nacho but it won’t be an easy one. I’m heartbroken that you feel like you both aren’t important to your husband, that’s got to be really hurtful. Though he doesn’t sound like a textbook addict, the fact that he’s allowing it to interfere so much with his life, seems like he really is one.

    You are strong and you will be a great mother to Nacho!!!

  23. Hugs my friend !! As everyone else has already pointed out, you are incredibly strong. I think every single feeling you have is normal and justified. There are days that I still can’t believe we have a baby. Sometimes it feels like a dream. But the minute you hold nacho, I bet nothing else will matter. As far as your husband, I’m so sorry to hear this. I really hope that he realizes what he is going to lose. You are so close to meeting your little one- I hope the next few weeks go by quickly and with as little stress as possible. Thinking of you !!

  24. Oh hun, my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for all you are going through – I wish I had more to say but I’ve never had a way with words. I am praying for you and baby Nacho, and your husband too. You are very strong and I admire you very much. I pray that your husband will come around and truly be there for you both. HUGS!!!

  25. This is heartbreaking. You have been through so much already! I hope your husband reaches out to get the help he needs before it’s too late. I hope you get the support you need too hun. I know what it’s like living in a country that is not your own. It’s hard. Little Nacho is a miracle and we all can’t wait to welcome him into this world! No matter what, he will grow up feeling very lucky to have such a strong momma who never gave up on him! Xx

  26. My heart is hurting for you and how alone you must have been feeling lately. I can’t imagine how scary it must be to face not only losing this baby alone(because that fear is always there, no matter how well he’s doing)…but becoming a mom finally and raising him alone. No wonder you’re depressed, it’s totally understandable, not something to be ashamed of. I agree with the commenter above though.addiction doesn’t have to be defined by frequency, but by doing things despite the consequences. I’m not sure if it should matter or not if he’s got an addiction because the consequences will be the same, but maybe he needs some help to see that for himself and get help. Either way doing what’s right for you and nacho is most important, and I KNOW you’re strong enough to handle it.

  27. Oh hon, that’s so hard. I’m glad you’re in the care of a good therapist and have loving family to support you. Wishing you peace as you get ready to welcome your baby boy. You’re already proving to be an excellent mama, looking out for Nacho’s needs ahead of all else. There is nothing to ashamed of. Sending love!

  28. I’m so sorry to read this. I had thought your absence from blogging was because you were in a happy bubble and nesting in preparation for Nacho’s arrival. I’m sad to hear that after all you’ve been through you are having such a tough time of it. I hope your husband is able to get some help for all of your sakes but you are an incredibly strong woman and you and Nacho will thrive whatever the outcome. Thinking of you xxx

  29. Oh honey I am so sorry. Although I dont have to go through this with my husband I have dealt with this in a past relationship. Nothing is scarier. I am still amazed how its always the ones you suspect the least who arw suffering the most. Drugs know no boundaries when it comes to race, age, income. They grasp hold of everyone they can without discrimination.

    Do what your heart tells you. Infertility claims so many marriages for so many different reasons. It blows. But dont ever be embarrassed to do the right thing.

    My heart goes out to you. God has a plan for ys all, its just not always what we wanted to hear. Protect yourself and protect Nacho. You have a wonderful life ahead of you with your little miracle. Xoxoxo

  30. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I understand why you feel ashamed. But understand that you can only control yourself and how you interact with your husband. You can’t control his end. As much as you want to work things out it may have nothing to do with you or your incoming arrival. Marriages and relationships for that matter are never easy. Though it’s easier said than done go easy on yourself.

    I wish you nothing but the best for you and your family.

  31. I’m so sorry to hear you’re having such a difficult time. Trying to conceive on top of the usual challenges of married life put so much pressure on us to the point that last summer I was in the same position as you, thinking my marriage was over. We were in some very dark places several times over a year that I never in a million years thought I would be and I thought we couldn’t carry on. It seems men can’t quite cope with things in the way we women can and lashing out or sticking their heads in the sand is just how they deal with it. People can change but everyone has their own threshold so you need to do what’s best for you and your baby. I sincerely hope you’re alright xxx

  32. I’m so sorry to read of what you’re going through. I actually sent a friend of mine the link – she is going through the same with her husband, although they’ve only been together a couple of years, and just had their first baby. She was hoping things would improve once the baby arrived, but sadly they might not have done. You absolutely must not feel ashamed. You guys have been through so much. And men are mostly only ever grown-up boys, sometimes not quite that. Maybe, just maybe, once Nacho arrives there might be some hope… but then hope can be a cruel traitor. I wish you all the best, hugs xx

  33. I’m so sorry to hear about your split from DH. I won’t go into details, because this isn’t about me, but I experienced some of the same with my DH before this pregnancy. Whatever happens, I wish you the very best.

  34. I am so glad that nacho is doing well (and I can’t believe you are so far along!). But I am so sorry for all that you are dealing with. I really hope your husband can get help, and that this is the rock bottom wake up call he needs. But either way, you will make it through this. So much love to you and little Nacho.

  35. Sending you a huge hug hon. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. I can’t even imagine the fear and anxiety this has caused you and all I can think is shame on our husband for putting you through this and being so selfish. I’m so sorry you have to worry and make these kinds of decisions at any time, but especially right now. Praying you have a smooth delivery and that whatever happens, you get the peace and happiness you deserve. Big, big hug.

  36. I’m so sorry to read this Lisette, I’m thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts. I think you are doing everything in your power to deal with the depression, you are proactive which is vital. I’m also sorry you find yourself in this predicament with your husband. Wrap yourself in your support network, I know you have lost some friendships along the way, (I think we all have to some degree), but I hope you have some people close who can just be with you. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself to make hard decisions right away. whatever you decide will be the best thing for you and Nacho, that is the most important thing. You will work this out, I know it. You have such strength, I hope you can find some comfort over the next few weeks as hard as it must be. Keep in touch with this space. We are all here rooting for you xxxxxxx

  37. First, so very happy everything is well with baby! But second, I’m so very sorry to hear about your husband. I can’t exactly relate, as I don’t have children, but I was married once before and now realize I would never wish divorce on anyone, not even my worst enemy. A friend once told me, divorcing is like your spouse dies… Perhaps not exactly, as you’ll have contact through your child, but for me, it was very much that difficult, and still is, even though I’m happily remarried. I wish you much strength, and while I don’t know you, I can tell that you are going to make an amazing mother very soon!

  38. Holy fucking shit, Lisette. Dear darling girl. You’ve been suffering through this alone for so long. Words seem feeble. I have to say that my overarching feeling reading this is one of injustice and anger–I don’t know him, of course, but now know enough to feel angry that he did this to you, while you were going through something that I know firsthand is the most harrowing living nightmare a woman can experience. I’m glad he was there for you at least most of the time, but it sounds like the times that he isn’t/wasn’t were soul-crushing.

    You’re more of a warrior than I knew. Your making this admirable move right now is jaw-dropping. You are clearly putting Nacho first, as the amazing mama that you are. I applaude you and shake my head in wonder. I think most women would not have the strength to make this decision, would feel too scared.

    Once upone a time, my life seemed to fall apart. Years ago, when I left my first husband. Totally different situation, but I just want to say this: I look back on it now as the time I blew up the building, cleared the rubble, and planted a magnificent garden, one that is flourishing now. You are getting out the wrecking ball, but honey you’ve got loads of flower seeds in your pocket, and one very special one in your womb.

    It’s going to be a gorgeous garden. Feeling so much love for you right now. Take good care of yourself. xoxo

  39. Oh, Lisette. My heart hurts so badly for what you are going through. I so, so wish this was the happiest time of your life, waiting for your little dream-come-true. It doesn’t surprise me that you have been feeling depressed. So, so much to deal with. You are so strong and level-headed. I’m so amazed at how you are able to think so clearly and make such wise choices.

    I am praying for you, Nacho, and for your husband. I have heard of lots of success stories of men who have straightened out once they realize this little person needs them. I am praying for the same for your husband. Maybe this will be his wake-up calll. I can’t wait to hear when Nacho shows up, and I know that he will bring such joy to your life. Huge hugs…we are here for you. xoxo

  40. Lisette, I’ve been thinking of you a lot recently. I checked your blog today and I wish I could reach out and give you a hug. Obviously, I had no idea that all this was going on in your life. My brother has been an on/off addict for most of his adult life, and I once saved his life by finding him and calling an ambulance after he overdosed on Christmas Eve (of all the days), so although I can’t imagine how it would be to deal with a husband that went out on all-night benders, I do understand how completely destructive drugs and self-destructive behaviour is. I think you are right that he just uses this as a coping mechanism every few months when things get too much. It is such a shame that he will not consider any form of counselling – the toll that RPL takes is beyond estimation. If you are suffering from depression, it is equally likely that he is experiencing some or all of the same, including fears about being a father, fears about commitment and about losing himself and you to ‘parenthood’. But that doesn’t excuse what he is doing, and you are right that you have to do what is best for your and your baby. A newborn is an exhausting learning curve and you do not need ANYTHING else to stress you out in that time. Hell, if I EVER have another baby, I’m just going to tell everyone that I am unavailable for sympathy, favours, visits, emotional support or any other thing they can think of for at least the first year. Stay strong, and go with your heart. You will do the right thing XXX

  41. I am just catching up on blogs. First of all ((hugs)). Second… the depression doesn’t surprise me considering EVERYTHING you have been through and are currently going through. There’s nothing wrong with having it. In fact? You are AMAZING for recognizing it and vocalizing it. So many people don’t do this and it hurts themselves in the long run… plus, you are helping others who may read this and have the same issues but aren’t comfortable vocalizing.

    And no need to be ashamed of your marital issues. You can be giving 110% toward your marriage and you won’t be able to make it work unless the other person is doing his share. We are here for you no matter what choice you decide. You decide what is best for you AND Nacho, regardless of what that decision entails.

    ((Hugs)) again

  42. Oh hon. I really feel for you. I went back to look for this after reading your last post. You know I have a bit of an explosion button as well when under great stress. When I didn’t fall preggers last IUI I went out all afternoon (my son was with his dad) with girlfriends and got well and truly hammered. It is stupid. I went and saw a psych the next day and her tip was – when you feel like you need to do that, that is exactly when you shouldn’t drink. My point in telling you this is that I think your hubby could definitely do with the support of a good psych. Something is going on inside him that doesn’t know how to deal with stress so he lets it build and it results in this. Even though he probably isn’t an addict and more of a binger it is still very similar to an addicts pattern. So a psych would help. Anyway, I know getting someone else to realise that is easier said then done. I just wanted to send some of my experience in case it is helpful. The other thing I wanted to say is this: you little Nacho can still be happy and loved even if his daddy and you don’t live together. I haven’t lived with my son’s dad since he was 6 months old and I have a really happy and well adjusted kid. I’m also lucky that his dad is a great dad and we co-parent really well. You obviously can’t know how DH will be until Nacho arrives but I just wanted to reassure you that it is possible. All the best with everything. My thoughts are with you.

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