Silver lining & moving forward

The other day I went in for what was meant to be my 7 week scan. They already knew I had lost this pregnancy but wanted to be sure everything has come out cleanly. It was emotional. The last time I was on that table we were told our 10w sweet pea’s heart stopped beating. I hate that place.

The good news out of a bad situation is that there’s nothing left inside. My womb was clean and tidy. And the bonus was finding out is my lining on CD12 after a miscarriage was 9mm. I don’t think I have ever had 9mm ever, or at least not while we’ve been aware of my lining being pretty thin. During our 5th pregnancy in the summer it was consistently around 7mm. Not ideal.

I never got the chance to get my lining checked in this last pregnancy but I’ve been on a mission to improve my lining regardless. Pomegranate juice, protein, acupuncture, Chinese herbs, and oh yeah, this cycle I started on viagra suppositories. I had only been on them a few days when I had the scan but something’s obviously working. Now’s the time to act on it.

Or is it? I can’t help but feel somewhat reckless trying again so soon after loss. Is it really a good idea? Am I trying to forget too quickly? Have I allowed enough time to heal? Will this have a backlash later? Am I dishonouring the loss by moving on too quickly? Am I in denial that this might never happen?

I don’t know where the guilt and hesitation is coming from. Maybe it’s my TCM who wants us to take a three month break. She wants us to build the body back up again. I do recognise the benefit of waiting on the body. I see how it can rebuild strength and stabilise hormones. I may be kidding myself but I don’t see the proof that my body is depleted from this loss. Previous ones? Definitely. But this time I feel good physically. My BBT chart is the most consistent and stable it’s been since I started charting years ago. My lining is good. I’ve sustained the preconception plan for months. And I am feeling better mentally than I have in a long long time. Although I am tired of all of this, I feel … strong.

We are definitely running the risk of repeating a pattern though, I see that. Our first four losses were literally back to back, I think it was our way of pushing past the pain. Just keep trying again and one will stick. It has to. I’m seeing some of that motivation in myself again now, but things are different. Back then I was confident we’d get there eventually, and as our positivity and hope gradually faded with loss after loss, devastation took its toll. That is when we took our much needed breaks.

Now, I have absolutely no idea what to expect. We could go through another six losses and still come out empty handed. I recognise that now and am gradually coming to accept it. So although I may be motivated by desperation, truthfully there’s a little bit of “what do I have to lose?” going on in there as well.

Wait or try again? There are benefits and disadvantages to both.

After some thorough discussion we decided to give this a chance, we committed to trying this cycle. I am still on the supplements and diet, the Clexane, the steroids, the Intralipids, the Valium. I’ve got follow up appointments with two clinics the coming weeks.

We both fully acknowledge this may very well lead to disappointment in more ways than one, but at least we feel like things are moving forward. I feel I need to act while motivations are up because who knows when I’ll feel this good again. So much of recurrent loss is about finding balance in the continuous cycle of highs and lows. Finding the strength to pick ourselves up again. Recovering when down, moving forward when up. Strike while the iron is hot I guess. I’m willing to accept the consequences.

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One step at a time

It’s been a busy couple of weeks and I have been in a bit of a funk for most of it. I started writing several posts but never published them. I’m just not feeling it, I feel like I have nothing to contribute. I feel like I’m all doom and gloom these days and trying to be positive is just not working. So rather than bore all of you with my mundane drivel I’ve been hanging low.

I have been reading loads of great blogs but I haven’t even really had the opportunity to comment on them, which I would like to do. So I’m going to try to make some time to do that tomorrow. I also drastically need to update my blogroll because I think I am following in the region of 200+ blogs at the moment and they all deserve recognition. I promise to do that soon.

On the upside I had my last day at my old job the other day. I am finally free of the Sweet Pea Thief. And it feels damn good. I immediately felt the huge weight lifted off my shoulders. It could not have come soon enough. The constant drooling over her by others nearly did my head in. I literally sat at my desk with my headphones on max so I didn’t have to hear the crap they were spewing over her. I even managed to skirt my leaving drinks, and saying goodbye to her and the rest of my colleagues because thankfully my last day was spent entirely in meetings and one of my particularly needy clients wanted a handover meeting as the last thing I did that day, which meant I was nowhere near the office on my last day. Couldn’t have worked out better if I had planned it.

I had one day off in between jobs which I spent getting a massage, going to the spa and having lunch with a friend and her brand new puppy who is pretty freaking cute right?

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I know, she’s crazy cute. It was a pretty great day. I felt rested and ready for the new job the next day.

And so far the new job is pretty good. Despite a few very stressful days last week when I was kind of working for them while also working for the other place (naughty I know), for the most part it’s going well. It’s always a scary transition isn’t it, but the people and environment are nice and I am busy (in a good way) right away. I have had plenty of “what am I doing” moments but I guess these are to be expected when going through this kind of transition. Being anonymous feels great. No one there knows my story except for a super good friend of mine who started working there this week too. She happens to be one of the most supportive people in real life right now. And I even like my view on my commute home.

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Not bad right? So everything seems somewhat positive, I am feeling good about that side of life.

I had my second LIT treatment yesterday. This one was far more painful than the first and my skin bubbled up in hives immediately. This apparently means it’s working. I was far too annoyed to listen to that because I was too busy watching the dumbass nurse eject at least £200 worth of the Hubs white blood cells onto her lap when it was meant for my arm. Stupid stupid fool. Today I’m bandaged up and sore and glad it’s over. I won’t need another one for 6 months or so.

In the meantime, this cycle was pretty much a bust. I felt like it was a bust from the very start. Just wasn’t feeling it. I tested on 9dpo and 11dpo and both were white as snow. So I came off the progesterone support so AF could make her appearance. I’ve been feeling pretty crampy and emotional and was just riding it out for AF. I was actually OK at processing the disappointment this month. On one hand I felt slightly relieved because next cycle I would officially qualify for maternity pay should I be lucky enough to fall pregnant again, but on the other hand it was yet another sad result. I had a good cry that evening and felt a bit out of sorts but was already looking ahead at what I would do differently for next cycle.

Viagra suppositories. Yep, my womb lining needs all the help it can get and a few of those puppies can do a girl’s lining wonders. I was poised on “click to buy” online when I decided to do one more test this morning for the hell of it, purely because Viagra is expensive and I don’t want to be out of pocket for something I might not need for a while. Anyway, I was confused as to why AF is still nowhere to be seen when my cramps have been pretty full fledged for 5 days now. AF is only one day late but this is not unusual, especially after last cycle’s trauma.

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Today is 15dpo. Sorry for the shit pic but can you see a second line? Because I can barely see a second line. In fact, I totally missed this second line. First thing this morning after I peed on this stick and saw within thirty seconds that it was stark white, I went back to bed. It was only a few hours later when I was having a pee when I glanced over at it and saw a super faint not even really there second line. Convinced this was an evaporation line, I quickly sought the advice of Doctor Google who says that an evaporation line is a different colour to the test line. This second line is pink. Pink like the test line.

Commence freak out. I had been really successful at ignoring any symptoms and not allowing any symptom spotting to occur during the 2WW this cycle. That is, until my telltale symptom kicked in. The raging super quick pulse I get in my abdomen. This has only ever meant one thing. And when the pulsating hum hadn’t stopped this morning I ran out to buy a digital test expecting it to be negative. Instead I got this.

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I’m sad to admit it but we didn’t even smile for each other. There were no hugs or high fives or elated kisses. Instead we muttered a few “oh dears” and sat in silent shock at the result sitting before us. What the hell do we do now.

A faint positive at 15dpo is considered late implantation. Consistently, the last five pregnancies have all been late implanters. All five pregnancies ended in tears. This has been a critical part of my diagnosis with the unfortunately termed condition known as “super fertility.” I know all too well what a faint double line means at this late stage. I have been off progesterone for four days now so who knows what havoc this has caused for my lining or for the poor little embie trying to make a home.

I could list all the things that I have done wrong in these two weeks. For someone who is acutely aware of what to do and not to do in the 2WW I have been pretty lame at it this cycle. My gloom got the better of me. Because I expected things to fail this cycle I lived like they had. I could have stayed on the progesterone, and messed up my cycle for a few more days but provide the support the embie needs. I could have not gone to the spa or spent all day getting hot, then cold, then hot, then cold. I could have eaten better or slept when I needed it or gone on the steroids I’ve been prescribed but been too reluctant to go on. But there is nothing I can do about any of that now.

But I guess on the flipside there are a lot of things we have done differently this time around. Since our last loss I’ve been diagnosed with a clotting disorder, immune issues and a defective womb. And we are / will be actively treating all these things. Aspirin, progesterone, LIT, intralipids, clexane, prednisone, chinese herbs, acupuncture. We can only hope that one / all of these treatments might tip the scales this time.

I am angry that a moment that should be full of happiness and celebration was replaced with impending doom, fear and raw panic. How can I stop feeling this way? How can I turn this around? How does one do that exactly?

Will history repeat itself? I don’t know. There is nothing I can do to change the outcome of this. All I can do is try to look forward. Try to be hopeful. Try to take one step a time. The phrase has never been more poignant in all my life.

Aculove

I’ve recently changed practitioners of traditional Chinese medicine and acupuncture.

My last one was, how do we say … an unwavering, belligerent tyrant. You can read about the treatment plan I followed in this earlier post.

I think what threw me over the edge was his comment during my last pregnancy, once we learned that our sweet pea’s little heart was struggling to keep going, that I had something to do with the potential outcome of loss. That I had been told to come for acupuncture three times a week and take my herbs twice a day and eat two eggs a day and don’t raise my arms over my head and to stay in bed all day everyday….on and on. It was my fault we Iost the baby. Period. I hadn’t done everything he suggested. How could I!? The list was endless. I came pretty damn close, I really did.

Not only did I have to travel almost two hours each way to see him three times a week but I was being blamed for moving around too much to get there. The anxiety, on top of my fear of losing a fifth sweet pea, was nearly unmanageable. I was paying him over £600 a week to be told that was my lack of emotional control was causing the miscarriage too.

Aside from that I loved the acupuncture. I love the herbs. I could feel them working. My hormones were balancing at last. And I learned a lot about my BBT. I have no doubt that the practioner is very knowledgable but I think he is lacking some serious bedside manner. Nothing was worth feeling like I was to blame for losing our little one. Especially as there was no controlling or fixing that. We lost him to a tragically fluke a chromosomal abnormality, independent of egg, sperm, environmental quality. It just happened.

My new practitioner, Ms Lovely, is the most fabulously positive individual I’ve encountered as far as healthcare providers go on this wretched journey. She’s completely 180 from the last guy. First off, she quit her last job with a very exclusive world renown fertility clinic because she didn’t agree with the excessive pricing regime. She didn’t want to be a part of the commercialism that has taken over the world of infertility. She understands that people struggling with infertility often don’t have a lot of money because they are paying for treatment through the nose, but they are willing to remortgage their homes, work two jobs, scrimp and save to bring home their sweet pea. She went out on her own to help people. Her pricing is fair, and a fraction of what I was paying before. For this I love her.

Thankfully she believes in the benefits of other holistic treatment. She believes that as long as the body and mind are in harmony and well looked after, you can pretty much do what you like within moderation and it will have positive effects on fertility. She’s chilled about how and when I take my herbs, as long as I take them. I can eat fruit, I can do moderate exercise, I can eat a little bit of chocolate or drink a little wine now and then if I want. Anything that makes me happy as long as it’s not excessive. It’s happiness that she’s trying to get to.

The last guy made life so difficult that I felt I was no longer in control of my life or my pregnancy. Fear mongering in such a desperate circumstance. I would do nearly anything to have a child but I was losing sight of my own needs.

The way Ms Lovely handled the AMH situation has been so reassuring. She patiently answered my 6,333 questions about it and she went ahead to say she is confident we will not only conceive with my eggs but will carry our first sweet pea to term. That’s some pretty crazy confidence but at least one of us has some.

And while the needles are doing their thing she doesn’t leave me there like the last guy. She spends time either giving me a head massage, back rub or abdominal sacral massage for a full hour. I leave there so content, relaxed and peaceful. So completely different from my last experience. My homework this week? Try a floatation tank. Now that I can do.

The Hubs loves her too and we agreed she is the right woman for us. Her approach is practical, gentle and understanding, just the kind of thing I need in my life right now.

First LIT treatment

Well we went for it. Yesterday I had £1200 of the Hubs white blood cells pumped into my forearms. The first of a few to come over the next few months.

Despite the controversy we opted in.

In the UK Lymphocyte Immunisation Therapy, otherwise known as paternal white blood cell immunisation, doesn’t carry the same dark cloud as it does in the US. According to our immunologist it carries even less risk when using the husband’s blood as opposed to an anonymous donor. Blood products are blood products and they always pose a risk but I’m told this process is handled delicately and efficiently to ensure the highest quality.

LIT is used for a few reasons but in my case it was suggested when I had a shockingly low Leukocyte Antibody Detection, a test that determines if I produce enough antibodies to protect an embryo from rejection and stimulate growth of the placenta. As the Hubs puts it, I’m allergic to him, or not allergic to him enough.

The treatment should result in the formation of blocking antibodies in my body, allowing the protection of an embryo in the womb.

My concerns were all related to how this would affect my immune system in the long run, rather than the risks involved with introducing another’s blood product into my body. I know my husband is healthy. What I don’t know is how the introduction of his white blood cells impacts my system overall. Our immunologist assures me that I won’t be on it long term, and that we have another session coming up in a few weeks followed by another one should we be lucky enough to get another chance at conceiving again. And that it won’t damage or cause issues with my immune system.

The procedure itself was interesting. The Hubs had to be screened for HIV, Hep B and C and other infectious diseases two days before the procedure. Even though he’s been screened for these before, he had to be tested immediately before the procedure to minimise any risk to me. They say that really I’m at a risk of all of these things if he was carrying them anyway since I tend to have sex with him, but heck why take any chances. Good news is he’s clean.

Two days later we arrived at the immunologist’s office at 8am where they withdrew half a pint of blood from the Hubs using what looked like a chopstick instead of a needle. His grimace said it all. Looks like we’re both taking one for Team Sweet Pea.

We are told to go to the pharmacy, buy a tube of topical anaesthetic and put the whole thing on both undersides of my forearms at least an hour before the procedure. Wrap then in cling film and come back at 3pm. Seems rather unclinical but we do as we’re told.

We clumsily eject the contents of the tube onto my arms while perched in the middle of a busy Pret a Manger smiling at all the inquisitive, awkward glances. Wrap my arms in cling film which attracted a whole other set of glances and off we went back to the office. By then, they will have sent the blood to a specialist lab, where it was washed, treated and white blood cells extracted. The white blood cells fill a syringe that will be injected under my skin on the underside of both my forearms.

As they prepare my forearms, I ask, what can I expect, as everything I’ve read indicates that it’s excruciating. They tell me like it’s painful, like being stung by a wasp 15 times in each arm. Hmm, compared to an HSG I can handle that. I have a high tolerance for pain, especially when I know we may potentially gain from it. What will happen, I ask. They tell me I will get hot, flushed and probably will swell up on the arms. It will become itchy, scratchy, sore and might spread into a rash but after a few days it will cool down. What are the immediate risks, I ask again. Anaphylaxis, fainting, but more than likely I’ll just get a little allergic, feel stuffed up, swell up a little and have some irritation. Ok let’s do this.

Good news is the topical anaesthetic worked in some areas. The bad news is it didn’t work everywhere. Thirty wasp stings is an understatement. It hurt like a motherfucker. I watched as the skin bubbled and bruised as a little bit of liquid filled each hole. I was cooed and encouraged by the lovely nurses, reassured by the Hubs and it was over within a few minutes. I didn’t scream at the top of my lungs like the last lady. I didn’t faint like the woman last week. I just held the Hubs hand in such a way I may have cut off all circulation, judging by the way he shook it afterwards. But it’s done. And I have a nasty rash on my arms to prove it.

I’ve got to say though that’s it’s nice for once to have a procedure that abuses another part of my body, instead of my poor old miserable uterus. She thanks me for that.

Today all I feel is sore, hot and a bit unwell. It feels irritated and sore and itchy. I took a few antihistamines to stop the stuffiness which worked. Now we go back within 2 – 3 weeks for the next session. Apparently I’ll be sensitised to that one, and it will hurt less. Then we go back in early pregnancy if we are lucky enough to get that far.

Either way, I’m ready if this gets Team Sweet Pea closer to the prize. Despite the risks we are throwing everything at this. I feel like it’s where we are right now. That might change in the future but today it’s full steam ahead.

Can of worms

So much has gone on in the last week. I don’t know where to start. Today I’ll try to recap the latest from all the recent investigations.

Test results are back. Here’s what’s been done, or retaken in the last five weeks to investigate the reasons for our multiple losses:

uNK cells via biopsy
Leukocyte Antibody Detection
HLA DQ Alpha Antigens
NK Assay Panel
TH1/TH2 Cytokine Ratio
MTHFR
LFT Liver Function test
AMH
FSH
LH
Prolactin
Thyroid Antibodies
Thyroid function
Anti phospholipid antibodies APA
Karyotyping (still waiting for that one)

Many of these came back normal. Four did not.

1) Endometrial biopsy came back borderline abnormal. uNK cells present, not super present, but enough to possibly cause issues. Treatment so far will begin with progesterone only, no steroids yet which I am thankful for. But steroids might be introduced after BFP, if that ever happens.

2) My anti cardiolipin antibodies in the APA screen came back positive. These produce an autoimmune response that prevents the fusion of cells that help the embryo to attach firmly and grow deeply into the womb lining. I’ve been tested for this before and it was negative so will be tested a third time to confirm it. In the meantime this will be treated with Clexane injections at BFP in addition to the 150mg aspirin for the increased clot strength I already have. This could also explain our RPL.

3) Leukocyte antibody detection panel also came back abnormal. This is when the mother’s body has an inadequate response to the growing embryo and will be unable to produce antibodies that protect the embryo from rejection and stimulate growth of the placenta. We haven’t had a chance to discuss this with our reproductive immunologist yet but we know from previous discussions with him that the treatment is LIT. White blood cells from Hubs are injected into my body to get it to produce blocking antibodies that will protect the embryo.

These three results are manageable. We can work with these. Sadly though they are all dependent on a BFP. But the next one is the one that could prevent us from dealing with the first three at all.

4) AMH. It plummeted from 12.9 to 2.1. In 8 months. For those of you in North America that’s 1.8 to .29. A shocking drop. This is most definitely NOT good. And we don’t know why. I spent much of that time pregnant, how can that drop so quickly? How can that number reflect my egg reserve if no eggs were spent for over four of those months? At this rate they’ll be no egg reserve by the end of this year. I am terrified. After hearing the news a complete meltdown of crying, destroying and dry heaving took place.

Unfortunately my GP who delivered the news doesn’t really understand the role AMH plays in fertility. She quite bluntly said I’m likely no longer a contender for IVF at all, especially since we won’t be able to start it until January (ie the drop is so rapid that next year will be too late). We’ve been at the top of the NHS IVF list for months but we put it off 1) because we were already pregnant and 2) because we were hopeful since I could get pregnant that IVF wouldn’t be necessary.

How could I go from being ‘super fertile’ to having nearly no viable eggs left in such a short time?

I frantically researched AMH when I found out, as I did back in January when a consultant flippantly said donor eggs was our only route (we had two BFPs since that day BTW) and its role in infertility and came up with some really conflicting results, particularly when women are able to conceive naturally. Our consultant at the RPL clinic advised us previously that AMH wasn’t that important if we can conceieve naturally and that drugs from IVF might actually do more damage to than good to someone of my RPL history.

The fertility experts we’ve seen previously, back when getting knocked up wasn’t happening, thought they could work with my AMH as it was in January. But they also sided with the RPL clinic, thinking it probably isn’t suited to someone like me. My GP thinks they will be even less willing to work with my new number now. We’ll find out on the 22nd October when we have our next appointment with them. In the meantime we are considering going to a private IVF clinic so we don’t have to wait. There is still so much I don’t know or understand.

My new Chinese Medicine practitioner (love her) was completely dismissive of the AMH results. She tells me that the hormone, released by the antral follicles, is only as good as the follicles are in any given cycle. Given that I recently miscarried she believes the whole system is still recovering and the hormones are out of whack and if we test again in a few months things will likely improve. Even though western medicine suggests AMH can never improve she has seen it in her clients. She stressed what is important is the number of follicles, more than the hormone reading. I seem to have a decent number of follicles but no one knows whether they’re any good or not.

Right now we are waiting for further appointments with the various four professional groups. Feeling like we are swimming in opinions and information. Not knowing what’s real, what’s important, what to do next. It’s hard deciding who to believe. The RPL clinic? The fertility clinic? The reproductive immunologist? The Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioner? I have no freaking clue who to trust and I have a hard time hearing my gut at the moment. I don’t feel like I have the full picture.

This just feels like a cruel joke. It seems not only does my womb make a habit of losing babies but now the very essence of my ability to produce proper eggs at all is in doubt too. And to top it off, the beating heart of our last loss, the one who seemed to beat the RPL, AMH and age odds, stopped because of an independent fluke abnormality. F U universe, F U.

Juiced

It’s Saturday morning. I’ll try to keep it light.

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Although Operation Sweet Pea (preconception plan) is more like boot camp the way I force myself kicking and screaming into rigorous routine (I’m an all or nothing kind of girl), there are some bonuses. One of the things that makes me smile is making and drinking fresh organic fruit and veggie juice for us both. I try to juice everyday and notice when I haven’t. I love the feeling I get from it, and love the idea that it’s sending nutrients directly into my bloodstream.

I’m feeling slightly guilty saying that stupidly because during my treatment with Traditional Chinese Medicine I was told to stop juicing because raw foods have a detrimental affect to my system overall. More than any of the strict rules I complied with during the treatment (you can read them here), this one broke my heart. I have difficulty seeing how fresh organic vegetables and fruits can be bad for me. As a vegetarian I rely on raw food.

I was trying to satisfy the eastern, western and personal protocols in the last pregnancy and it consumed me. It was probably a way to channel my anxiety of being pregnant (and terrified of losing it) into something constructive. But I was so hard on myself. I took all the joy out of eating. It became a chore.

The time spent watching dust collect on my much loved juicer made me rethink things. I have to decide which elements of treatment to abide by and which to skip. I am going to allow myself to pick and choose because this is my body and I’m calling the shots. Rightly or wrongly, my days of feeling pressured to follow a protocol 100% are over. There has to be a little give and take in this process because it’s hard enough as it is. Otherwise I’ll just beat myself up more than is necessary for not sticking with the plan.

This time things are going to be a little less structured, a little more organic, So I’ve decided to keep on juicing and just enjoy how it makes me feel, hoping that will have a positive effect on my health and fertility.

I’m going to write down my two favourites that I’ve come up with so I can keep track. These use fruits or veg known to enhance fertility and I’ve included the benefits of the ingredients so I remember why they’re so good:

Juice 1
1/2 Grapefruit
(increases cervical mucous)
1x Beetroot
(detoxifier, prevents birth defects, high in folic acid)
1x Carrot
(regularises ovulation)
1x Apple
(antioxidant, boosts immune system)
1/2 Lemon
(reduces vaginal acidity)
Handful Basil
(antibacterial, antioxidant)
1/2″ Ginger
(increases blood flow to the womb)

Juice 2
1x Apple
(antioxidant, boosts immune system)
1x Kiwi
(Blood thinning, high in folate)
1/2 Lime
(antioxidant)
1/2 Cucumber
(high in folate and B vitamins)
1 Kale leaf
(antioxidant, boosts immune system, reduces inflammation, enhances egg maturation)
Handful Mint
(antibacterial)

Back on the horse.

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Ugh. The very thought of it makes me feel ill.

Commence Operation Sweet Pea (otherwise known as preconception plan)

It has only been 6 weeks since finding out our baby’s heart stopped and one month since the ERPC. And although I may never get over the last loss (or the others before it) I feel like I need some direction here. Am I ready for this? Probably not. But I need to feel like I’m doing something rather than waiting, healing, grieving.

I don’t really feel like I’ve given myself a proper chance at recovering 100% but I’m hoping this can carry on concurrently. I know what’s got me motivated. It’s that damn ticking clock again. Too loud to ignore, I’ll allow myself to gently ramp it up again, trying to be good to myself in the process.

So today marks Day One of gearing myself up mentally and physically for yet another go at this.

Commence once again the charting, the supplements, the progesterone, the fertility diet, the visualisation tapes, the self abdominal massage, the yoga, the protein shakes, the OPKs, and I guess most importantly, the next round of further investigations. New doctors. New tests.

The next two months will be preparing for hopefully another Opportunity Sweet Pea while we hold off TTC until results of more tests come back. Ditched the old consultants, it’s time for a new perspective. More bloods for anti thyroid antibodies, biopsy for NK cells and the whole gamut of NK cell blood testing. Press here to empty bank account.

But it’s good. It’s a step in the right direction. If I say it out loud I’ll have to stick with it. Right? Ugh.