Broke but not broken

I should be at a wedding right now but instead I’m in my pyjamas.

Before I get into that I first want to thank you everyone for your incredible words of support, kindness, compassion, empathy and love over the past few weeks. I can’t tell you how much reading your comments and tweets has helped me get through this incredibly dark time. I feel lighter, stronger every time I read them. This community has become my family, and I am so so thankful.

Such extreme emotions this past week. At home I’m so low – sobbing, throwing things, dry heaving, fits of sleep-crying. At work I fake being up – performing, looking energetic, pretending things are great. No one knows I’m bleeding, cramping, passing what was meant to be our baby.

As soon as I leave the office the tears begin to flow. But while I sat at my clinic hooked up to an Intralipids drip this morning, I realised as sad as I am right now, I’m not ready to give up this fight. I am feeling more determined than ever to carry on.

I don’t want a break. Crazy as it sounds, I want to keep going right now. Can grief and hope coexist? I want to think so. I promise myself to allow the grief to continue to release itself but if I crave hope then I will embrace it too.

I want this to work but it won’t work unless we try. So I’m getting back on the treatment plan, forking out the exorbitant funds in hopes we get to one day live the dream. In hopes of catching that one good egg. All we need is one. Just one, that’s all we ask. And ok maybe a cooperative womb too. But that’s it. Consider it my Christmas list.

Soon a new plan will be implemented. Don’t know what it is yet but at least we thinking about it.

I don’t know what has brought on this new determination, this fight. Maybe it’s desperation. Maybe you caught me in a good moment. Maybe it’s all the supportive comments from you lovelies, maybe it was the three therapy sessions I attended this week, or the acupuncture, floatation, who knows. Maybe it was that this one was so young, so new, that I’m able to bounce back a bit quicker this time. Maybe it’s the gravity of the situation, making me realise it’s all or nothing now. Maybe all of the above. But one thing is for sure: this isn’t over yet.

And although I should be at a friends’ wedding right now, I knew there was no way to face it. I couldn’t face celebration, the sweet pea thief, the carefree guests having fun, the inquisitive looks from friends.

Obligation. I’m am so through with it.

Instead the pjs are on, the fire is roaring and the kitty, tea and fluffy blankets await. Fuck the housework, the dishes, the laundry, the obligation. I do not care.

But I do care that there’s been a lot of sadness and pain out there in cyberspace in recent days and it breaks my heart. So I am sending love and warmth to all of you right now, you the glittering stars in my night sky xx