Happiness is

Happiness is getting the karyotyping blood tests performed by your GP for free instead of forking out cash privately.

Right now that’s how I can measure my happiness. In blood tests that save me £600. Sad but true.

Doesn’t change the fact that I’ve just forked out over £1400 on other tests privately but hey we’ll take whatever we can get!

1:100

A Triploid baby. Chromosomally abnormal. A baby with an extra set of chromosomes.
1% chance of it ever occuring.
1% chance of it happening again.
100% fatal.

I will try not to dwell on statistics.

These are the results of the karyotyping performed on the tissue collected from my ERPC 4 weeks ago. The doctors say it’s a positive sign. I still don’t get why. I’m told it was a totally random occurrence, that it had nothing to do with our age or the health of our egg/sperm. It’s simply a fluke. A horribly painful fluke. They say that next time things might just work out. That maybe the blood thinning really did work this time, and had there been a healthy fetus, things might have been ok. They’ve given us the all clear to get started again. Just like that. Encouragement. Why don’t I feel encouraged?

How should I feel about this? I really have no idea. I feel a bit numb. I feel a bit relieved. I feel a bit anxious. I feel a bit like I’ve let this baby down even though I could never have controlled this. I was never even expecting to even be told the results because 50% of the time they can’t even test it. I was expecting that we’d never know the reason why. I was too stunned to even ask the gender.

There’s a bit of relief learning why this loss happened but it doesn’t take away the pain it caused or alleviate the concern for another loss in the future. Because there is still that. Although we now know the reason why we lost one child we still will never know why we lost the other four. And it feels especially cruel that not only do we have the challenge of overcoming four unexplained early consecutive losses but that we were doomed with a random fatal consequence for the one that might have squeaked through. What are the chances of this kind of outcome for someone with a history of recurrent losses? They can’t even answer that. It feels like one in a million.