Back to business

My period. Today is the first sign of it in over four months. Almost one month to the day since my ERPC, six weeks since our baby’s heart stopped. Evidence of my body is getting back to normal. Back to business. Without consulting how I could possibly feel about it. My body has no interest in that, why would it?

But at first sight of blood now I recoil and that anxiety creeps in. I know there’s no baby in there. I know it’s good to get my cycle back on track. But it feels like another kick in the teeth. Yet another reminder of our loss. Yet another reminder we have no children. That teetering tower of Chinese Sticks has collapsed. We have slowly started picking up the pieces and will begin to lay the first ones back down again. To start rebuilding that tower. We are back to the beginning. Back to basics. Sigh.