V is for Valium

I don’t get much sleep these days. Every night is a struggle, an internal battle. I try to keep the demons at bay, try not to give in to my subconscious reminding me that this will never work.

The nightmares, the anxiety attacks, the sleep-crying, they all creep in when I’m my most vulnerable in the middle of the night.

So I am so very happy the little pill of bliss has entered my life. Something to numb the pain temporarily. Something to quiet the noise. At least for a short time.

Tonight is one of those nights. It’s been that kind of week. Tonight I will V up and shut my brain to the world for a full 8 hours and wake up in an oblivious daze.

I am so tired in so many ways.

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When did sleeping become so difficult?

Why can’t I sleep? I wish I could remember when I had a good solid night of rest. I used to be able to sleep. To sleep in too.

Now it seems like every night I wake up from nightmares. Or I toss and turn restlessly all night without being able to turn my brain off. But the worst is waking up to that horrible sinking feeling of what has become my life. It’s like for a few seconds I’m light and free, then quickly, once I get my bearings, reality sets in. The anxiety and sadness takes over. It makes me not want to go to sleep at all. I hate waking up to myself crying.

I crave sleep so desperately. I spend all day exhausted, and can’t wait to get into bed. But once I do my mind starts reeling. Second guessing my choices. Imagining what our life would be like if one of our five pregnancies had actually succeeded. Thinking about what our current options are. Replaying the events up to now. What we will do if we don’t succeed. My mind actively seeks this stuff out in the night. It feels like a kind of self punishment. Like somewhere deep inside I know I have let everyone down and I am the one who will have to continue to suffer the consequences, continuously over and over. There will be no rest. It reminds me that whatever progress I have made in my waking hours is nothing. That deep down I know I am still a failure.

I wonder if the subconscious me will ever forgive the awake me. I wonder if that ever goes away.