Seven wonders

Today is the anniversary of my third miscarriage. It was a very difficult day last year, not just because of the loss, but because it was my third loss and it was Christmastime. It was the beginning of my life as a “recurrent miscarrier.” Going forward my life was changed forever. I have gone on to lose three more. I remember bleeding so heavily that day and feeling faint but going to buy a Christmas tree on my own and bringing it home by train. I could barely carry the stupid thing, let alone fit it in the train carriage, but I was determined to get it home. I guess I needed that sense of warmth, that feeling of comfort. I wasn’t coping. I sobbed as I put up the decorations.

I think I will forever hate Christmas as long as I have no children because of that day.

This year we have rejected Christmas completely. We have no tree, no decorations, bought no gifts for anyone or ourselves. We have no family here so we will be on our own. We won’t be doing any Christmas dinner or parties and have cancelled our plans to go to friends for a few days. Quality alone time is what we need. We plan to spend the whole time on the couch watching films, not Christmas films, but funny films, and ignoring the whole event. I’ve already got Blades of Glory, Anchorman and Zoolander all cued up.

And today I find myself, unbelievably, in the precarious position of being pregnant for the seventh time. Yes I only miscarried last cycle. This has happened before. I have been able to get pregnant four cycles in a row in the past but lose each and every one of them.

I took a cheap HPT on 10dpo because I was feeling some pretty strong symptoms. When I looked at it after a few minutes there was a spider sitting directly on top of the spot where a second line should be. I freaked out. Talk about bad omen! So of course I squished it, ruining any opportunity to see a second line and swore I would never test again because it would be doomed anyway. DH thought it was a good omen and convinced me to test again the next day.

No spider this time but two double lines. Strong double lines. Then a positive digital test.

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That was 11dpo, and technically within the normal timeframe for a BFP. I have never had a BFP in my life before 15dpo and they have always been faint. Late implantation equals miscarriage for me. Period.

But this time I had two strong double lines at 11dpo! I still can’t believe it. My period isn’t even due for a few days. I even had an implantation dip in my BBT followed two days later by really strong symptoms. And now my telltale abdominal hum has confirmed for me this is really happening again.

I’m not about to get ahead of myself here. I know how likely it is that we could lose this one too. There is too much wrong with me that getting this right is a long long shot. But something in me feels Ok. Content. At peace. I can only take one step at a time.

I was reluctant to come clean about this though. I have debated for a few days whether to even post about it. I live in fear of jinxing it but I am also finding myself almost apologetic for this warped ability to get knocked up quickly but not be able to follow through. Like I’m wasting life. Like my body is a death trap for these little humans. Like I’m irresponsible. That it’s my fault. I could be wasting another life right now. Infertility and RPL strikes the psyche in horrible random ways.

I also feel particularly awful that many of my fellow RPL and infertility bloggers are in the throws of horrific losses, pregnancy purgatory, in agonising holding patterns or suffering another disappointment right now. And it reminds me of the grief that overcame me only one month ago. I feel these losses, these disappointments as my own, making this pregnancy even more surreal. I don’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable or sad and I know all too well the mixed emotions that come with this kind of news.

I hate recurrent loss. I hate infertility. I hate the uncertainty, the anxiety, the dread of something we want so much. Why is this so hard?

So I guard my faith today. I will remain cautiously optimistic but conscious of the possibilities. Whatever happens will happen. There is nothing I can do but wait to find out. Please help me keep some hope.

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74 thoughts on “Seven wonders

  1. This is great news! I know it’s hard but try not to think negatively of your body. I don’t want to sound zen or whatever but I think your body needs the help from your mind. I also think you should not worry at all about hurting any of us out here. You have been going through so much and you deserve this, and we are there to support each other with the goal to get pregnant or become mothers. I would be genuinely happy if this pregnancy was the one that works for you. So please, breathe, take care of yourself and don’t worry about anything else but this new little embryo of yours.
    And now, I’m off to the airport. I’ll be offline but I’ll be thinking of you, and really hoping to come back to some more good news. Big hug!!xx

    • You are such a pillar of strength for me sweetie. Thank you. I appreciate everything you’ve said. I will be thinking of you over the holidays, hope you get some rest and recuperation. Hugs xxx

  2. As soon as I read that you were testing at 10 dpo I thought it was a good sign as you’ve said in the past that late implantation is one of the signs of your recurrent problem. I know that with six losses to date and a body which has been through a lot recently there are good reasons to be cautious and to prepare yourself for the worst. BUT unlike your last BFP which felt like it was doomed to fail before it began, this time there is a reason to let in a shard of optimism. Having just suffered my third loss (and clinging on to the festiveness and my huge christmas tree) I feel like I could be a year behind you in this journey. I hope that there will be a happy ending for both of us and I truly hope that this is the last time you don’t celebrate Christmas. xXx

    • GK I pray that you will never ever have to endure another loss. That you do not follow in these footsteps. You have already endured so much sadness. Your words of encouragement bring tears to my eyes. I hope so much by this time next year we have a different story to tell. Sending love xxx

  3. I completely agree with kiftsgate. You deserve this to work out. You really do. No one will ever know what you’ve been through… The pain is something that can’t possibly be described with words. I’m happy for you and I want nothing more but to hear pregnancy updates from you. I’m being completely honest to you. I know how you feel about Christmas. I just feel ‘different’ this year. I still love it, but I’ve lost the magic. I hate how RPL just messes with us. Try to keep all of those negative thoughts away. I think certainly those movies will be a good distraction. Thinking about you.. more than you know.

  4. Keeping my fingers crossed for you. I see the spider as a good omen. Remember the book ‘Charlotte’s web’? As a kid I bawled my eyes out at the ending when the spider dies but in her place she leaves behind three baby spiders (Arania, Joy and Nellie) I’m sorry for you losses I’ve had one miscarriage so I can’t imagine what’s it’s like to have more than that. I hope that this little one stays and is the best Christmas present ever xx

  5. I can’t imagine how you must feel right now. But you are asking for hope, and I genuinely feel hopeful for you, so I’m going to let you know why:

    Like for many people, 7 is lucky for me. I hope it will be for you as well.
    2013 was such a miserable year for so many people I know, and the superstitious part of me blames the 13.
    7×2 is 14. I believe 2014 is going to be a fantastic year. Both because of the 14 and because 2013 was so shitty IT JUST HAS TO BE.
    Obviously, this is a normal implanter. I feel that something has to be different to make this one stronger than the others. My only loss was ectopic, but with that I only saw the faintest line at 15dpo. With my current pregnancy I saw two strong lines at 15dpo. In general, I think a very faint line is worrisome for good reason.

    I hope Christmas (and the rest of this year) goes by quickly and without incident so we can all get to 2014.

  6. Oh my goodness!! Exciting news – a good solid bfp at this point is nothing less than wonderful. I hope this works out for you both. And your un-christmas plans sound amazing 🙂 x

  7. The earlier implantation really does sound like something different and a good sign–I’ll be cautiously optimistic alongside you.

    I so know what you mean about this weird ability to get pregnant—every month I know that if I want to get pregnant all I have to do is have sex, and it doesn’t even have to be timed all that well. It’s a strange strange card we’ve been dealt.

    I like your Christmas plans, although they sound a little lonely, like ours, we can only do what we can do—no decorations or celebrations over here either and going to a friend’s family’s retreat house, just the two of us, in the Poconos. I don’t remember what it’s like to want to be celebratory.

    Zoolander and Anchorman—two of my favorites! Sisterkin. We might be watching them at the very same time you and your husband are. XO

    • I love that we might be doing the same thing at the same time hun. I’ll be cheersing you with my elderflower spritzer. Your plans sound amazing, I hope it is restful and regenerating. Thanks for being there my lovely xxx

  8. I had to read this post twice to make sure I understood it correctly because I became so sad then immediately so excited. I am so sorry you have to endure the anniversary of your 3rd loss but at the same time words can’t describe how “cautiously optimistic” I am about this pregnancy (like you I don’t wanna jinx it!)

  9. This is truly amazing news!! I am stoked for you both…cautiously cheering you on while sending oodles of prayer for this Christmas miracle. This one has a different beginning so maybe,prayerfully, a different and perfect ending. For now, congrats!

  10. oh yay!! Congratulations!!! Keep believing and hoping! With God all things are possible. The Bible says in Proverbs that as a man thinks in His heart so is he…keep thinking positive about your pregnancy! When you look or touch your belly say out loud that you have a beautiful and healthy baby growing inside of you 🙂 Proverbs 18:21 says that there is life or death in the power of our tongue. I never understood what that meant until recently. What we say can shape our life…it can bring good or bad. so speak super positive about this pregnancy with lots of hope and expectancy. I’m believing this one is going to stick girlie! I’m saying lots of prayers for you right now 🙂

  11. Unbelievable, Lisette. I am so praying this is it for you…that early implantation is a good sign and something different this go around. I can’t pretend to know what your journey is like, only losing 2 (well, not ‘only – you know what I mean) – all of our journeys are so different but have so many common denominators… I pray that this Christmas will make new memories for you in that this was the start of a successful pregnancy, and that you will regain the joy of Christmas for ’14. Hugs and prayers, Lisette. I wish I could look in a crystal ball and give a miracle. But I will pray for this. You truly deserve a miracle and have been through so much more than any of us have. Believing with you, Hon. Enjoy watching Zoolander…hard to be sad watching that one! Love! xox

  12. I know I am new to your blog, but I hope so much that this is different for you. Know that there are so many people rooting for you and this new little one. I hope this holiday season is a happier change from 3 years ago.

  13. I had my first miscarriage around Christmas. It’s tough. But hang on to hope. I had begun to think that I would never be a mother. This Christmas I am the mother of two precious ones. What a difference a year makes. Hoping this is it for you!

  14. Oh hon! My heart is aching for you and rejoicing for you all at the same time! I can picture you with that Christmas tree last year, and I feel your pain. Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of the due date for miscarriage #2. Last year we should have had a brand new baby for Christmas, this year we should be celebrating a first birthday for Christmas. And when I think about that, I think about all the would-have, should-have beens, if things had been different. It’s all so messed up. Last year, was my year to not do anything to acknowledge Christmas. It’s my absolute favorite holiday and I usually go overboard ever year, but last year I just wasn’t feeling it and so we didn’t put up any decorations and we spent a quiet Christmas with just the two of us. This year, I’m a little more resolved and happy for Christmas even though we’ve had another loss since then and have so much uncertainty coming up in the next month. I don’t know why, but I feel like there’s magic in the air and we’re all do for our turn at something good. I’m praying so hard that this pregnancy is THE one! Please don’t ever hesitate to tell us, we’re all here cheering for you! And I want this so bad for you. I agree with the comments above, I think the spider is a great omen! I just love the reference to Charlotte’s Web! It’s such a great reminder of the beauty and joy that can come from sadness. And it’s a great sign that you got a strong BFP early this time!

    Praying for your Christmas miracle, and that this time next year will be a much different Christmas! Though I have to say, funny movies and cuddle time with your hubby sounds like a perfectly lovely way to spend the Holidays.

    • Oh hun, I love getting comments from you. I’m so sorry this holiday is tough for you too for so many reasons, it’s bad enough as it is. So many triggers, so many milestones, so much loss. I just love your attitude though, celebrating Christmas this year and remaining so positive. I know it’s scary what you’re about to endure very soon but I truly believe you’re already winning this battle with your mindset.
      I love the spider reference too, I’m going with it! So encouraging. Thanks so much for your encouragement. Hugs xxx

      • Thanks hon. I’m trying so hard to stay positive. Your encouragement and support means so much to me too. I will be thinking of you and continuing to pray for this new little one ❤

  15. All good signs! Cautious optimism. Feeling good is good for the soul. Put your feet up and Zoolander on (it’s a school for ants!) and let yourself laugh. Sounds like the perfect holiday to me.

  16. Wow. My first reaction to reading this was nerves and anxiousness for you. But, when I got to how its so early this time and the lines are nice and dark, I really started to be excited. Something different, especially this, can mean a whole lot. I know being optimistic is probably too much of a stretch, but maybe just remind yourself that its possible it could work. Just that tiny bit of hope is enough to get you through for now :). I can’t tell you how much I hope this is it.

    • Thanks hun. Anxious and nervous to the max. It’s nice things are a bit different this time so I’ll try to hold onto that shred of hope but it sure is hard.
      Thinking of you everyday and always xxx

  17. Wow Lisette! I love it that this is NOT a late implantation. I love it that you get another chance in this season of loss for you. I love it that you’re feeling at peace about it. I love it that you have strong symptoms. Yes. Let’s take it one day at a time. I am hoping for you that you will have the most textbook perfect, uneventful, and boring pregnancy ever. 🙂

  18. I’m glad your test was strong so early. Do you take blood thinners? A friend of mine lost many babies. No one could figure it out. Eventually a dr put her on blood thinner and progesterone for the entire pregnancy and she carried to term. I also cannot carry a pregnancy without blood thinner and the grace of God. I took lovenox and asprin my whole pregnancy and switched to heparin and asprin at the end. Sorry if I’m telling you information you already know but I couldn’t not share in case it could help you.

    • Thanks for your comment! Yes I’m on clexane and aspirin, I’ve got two clotting disorders and history of DVTs so they’re pretty careful to monitor my blood. Thanks so much for offering that though! Clexane is also really good for preparing the placenta so it has two great benefits. xx

  19. Christmas is such a bittersweet time for so many reasons. I am very excited by your positive test and sending you all my hope that this one works out for you. Its encouraging that there are some good signs early on.

  20. Lisette I am so hoping with the others above that this is the sticky baby. Be kind to your body. I read a beautiful piece a while ago about Spirit Babies and how there are only so many souls that each mother is promised. Whenever a pregnancy fails that soul goes back in the line. The others in line always let those souls jump to the front of the line with each pregnancy. I’m hoping for you that since all the signs are pointing in the right direction, that your Spirit Baby is sure that now is the right time to come into the world.
    Have a peaceful and happy un-Christmas! I’ll be thinking of you!

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